America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Wins It All

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Potes: A | Grade It Now!
Viva La Diva!

The next morning, the girls ride to the shoot. Yaya says, "The three of us, like a pyramid." Like the $25,000 pyramid! "You can squeeze them, or pop them, or make lots of punny references to them in the show's intro..." "Yaya's pimples." "Ding!" Yaya says that three is always a hard number. But it's not as hard as one, which is the loneliest number that you'll ever do. But also, a singular sensation. The number one has layers and feelings, too, you guys. Yaya says that she doesn't feel like exuding any extra energy to make Eva feel included, and that all of Yaya's energy needs to be focused on "why [she's] here." To make the editors' jobs easier by being such a crap-tastic twunt? Well, you've done a fine job, Yaya. Eva notes that, at the last judging, Tyra said that none of the girls really had the stuff to be America's Next Top Model. Eva notes that it's anyone's game, and that the girls have no idea where they stand. Amanda says that none of the girls seems to have all of the necessary strengths in place. For example, Amanda takes good pictures but needs to be striking in person. And Yaya can look halfway decent in dim lighting with a pound of makeup, but is a huge ass. Pros and cons, pros and cons.

The girls enter a studio where they meet the small, orange Dowager Jay Manuel. He tells the girls that today is "the day," and that they are doing a photo shoot for Cover Girl Wetslicks Crystals, a brand-new moisturizing lip gloss coming out this Christmas. (Stop running to the stores, everyone! There's not enough shimmery Wetslicks left for me!) There's something about the name "Wetslicks Crystals" that grosses me out. Maybe they'll have the "Wetslicks Crystals Pearl Necklace" as a promotional item. Or "Wetslicks Crystals Moist Panties." Just...ew. The winner of the show will have her Wetslicks Crystals (argh! They won't let me stop saying it!) ad in a national magazine, which will kick off her Cover Girl contract. The girls will have to pose in a water pool with "Zen rocks," and, as Jay says, "The lip is the hero today." Angelina Jolie's lips are all, "My lips can take all of you, any day, Wetslicks Crystals or no," and Melanie Griffith's lips pipe up to say, "We know judo! But we'll totally take some Wetslicks Crystals, if you have any lying around. Glides well on collagen!" The girls get made up. Eva says, "Cover Girl has a smell to their lip stuff," which she loves. Let's all say it together, now: "Smells like cupcakes!" Jay plugs the product some more. Amanda says that when you're a little girl, you dream of being a model. Unless you are too busy watching your Barbies make out with each other and professing your undying love for Boy George. Oh, that was just me? All right, then. Amanda says that to be on the precipice of her dream is insane. Someone has been studying the word-a-day calendar Yaya gave her!

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America's Next Top Model




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