America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Won't Stop Talking

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The Girl Who Is Just Kind Of Dumb

It is time to pick the final thirteen! The smell of nervous bitch wafts through the air. And the first girl to get called is...Natasha. Natasha squeals, and Renee visibly shakes her head. Next is Kathleen, who tells Tyra not to lie to her. Then we have Sarah, Cassandra, and Renee, followed by Samantha, Dionne, and Whitney. You can tell Diana thinks she's toast now. Then we have Brittany, Felicia, and Jael. Jael is wearing a red tutu. It is going to be a long season, man. Next there is Jaslene, who is awfully excited. And then, there is only room for one more. And it is Diana! Tyra says that this is the first time in ANTM history that there are two plus-sized girls. Go, fatties! Tyra tells the losers to stay strong. Melissa seems like she's going to be okay, but Heather is really sad. Eh, she'll get over it. Tyra leads the thirteen lucky girls in some sort of celebrational stomp, and Diana says that she and Whitney are going to kick ass on behalf of all plus-sized girls. Kathleen screams some more. And with that, Hour 1 is over!

We begin Hour 2 with Sarah telling us that she has a leg up on the other girls because she has modeling experience and is a photographer. Jael says that she's focused on this amazing opportunity rather than on being competitive. She likes to be everyone's friend. Presumably, this is so she can crash at your place and then steal your life savings/silverware. Kathleen -- whose 'fro is out of control -- says that she was born and raised in Brooklyn, and has no modeling experience. She also has very little experience with cognitive processing.

And then, who should ride up on a scooter but Jay Manuel. He says that the girl who becomes America's Next Top Model is going to become a household name and a role model, just like Tyra. And if your role model is Tyra Banks, you make me kind of sad. Jay tells the girls to get ready to make their first statement...in their first photo shoot! Each girl is going to be assigned a different political view which she'll have to sell in her photo, even if she doesn't agree with it. Kathleen is anti-fur, Brittany is pro-fur, Natasha is pro-choice, Jael is pro-life, Sarah "believes in life in prison," and Jaslene believes in the death penalty. Ah, so this means that Sarah is anti-death penalty. Why didn't they just say that? Felicia believes in straight marriage, while Whitney and Samantha team up for gay marriage. And I mean...is "pro straight marriage" really a stance? That one would have had so much more juice if it were done as anti-gay marriage. Dionne is a vegan, whereas Cassandra loves to eat meat. Finally, Renee is anti-gun and Diana is pro-gun. NRA, yay!

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America's Next Top Model

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