America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Won't Stop Talking

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The Girl Who Is Just Kind Of Dumb

Renee, twenty, from Maui comes next. She gives a big "Oh my God, Tyra's here!" when she comes in the room. Like, duh. Where did you think she'd be, dumb-ass? Renee is currently staying with her mom in California, and her husband is in Maui trying to make some money. As it happens, Renee is not only married but has a seven-month-old son. I'm sure this is the last we'll hear of that. Tyra marvels at Renee's post-baby flat stomach. Renee tells us that her son has given her more determination, because she wants to make life for him ten times better than it was for her. See, I told you that wasn't the last we'd hear about her son. I hope he isn't named Willow or something. Renee is pretty, but seems kinda rough around the edges. Renee notes that she's not a complete bitch, but that she wants the other girls to know that, if they get in her way, she'll plow them over. The distinction between complete bitch and that seems sketchy at best.

Back at the girls' lounge, it's time for burpgate! It all starts off when Kathleen says that she burps and farts. And I mean, of course she does; look at that hair. Renee says that she likes to burp the ABCs. Someone suggests having a burping contest, and Natasha is all, "Girls, don't do that." The others try to gauge what her problem is, and Natasha goes on about being in a different culture. In Soviet Russia, burps burp you! Cassandra narrates the whole thing, first doing an awesome Kathleen impression and then an awesome Natasha impression that I hope we see a lot of throughout the season. Natasha tells Renee that she's normal, and that maybe it's Renee who's not normal, adding, "I'm tired of you telling me bad stuff about me." Awesome. Renee says that she's tired of Natasha being a know-it-all, and interviews that Natasha tried to make her look stupid, and that she's not about to let someone do that to her. She will do it all on her own, and quite well, thank you. Natasha tells Renee that she's not going to apologize, because Renee was "calling her bitch" right there in front of everybody. I think "Are you calling me bitch?" is going to be my new catchphrase. The two give each other the verbal hand for a little while. Renee says that she wants Natasha to know that she's not going to take any crap from anybody. She's there for a reason and a purpose -- to be America's Next Top Model, not to have Natasha tell her how to live her life. Now I understand why it took over forty years to end the Cold War. Commercials.

When we return, Whitney, twenty-one, from Palm Beach, Florida, enters the room squealing, with her tube top sliding down like that infamous woman on The Price Is Right. Tyra has to tell her to pull it up the whole time she's in there. Whitney goes to Dartmouth, and talks about being a black freshman in the predominantly white school. Tyra says that sounds like the fashion industry. Yeah, going to Dartmouth is just like being in the fashion industry, except with inverse IQs. Whitney says that she knows she's going to hear that she's a plus-sized model, and that plus-sized models can't handle high fashion, but that needs to be revamped, and she's going to revamp it. Oh, isn't everyone over 115 pounds. Whitney doesn't think she's fat. She thinks she's curvaceous and gorgeous just the way she is. She really seems to mean that, too. Go, Whitney! No, I mean it. Go. You're too smart to be on this show.

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America's Next Top Model

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