America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Won't Stop Talking

Episode Report Card
Potes: B+ | 1 USERS: A+
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The Girl Who Is Just Kind Of Dumb

Not at all too smart to be on this show is Jael, who is bawling because it's so amazing to see Tyra's face. Jael looks like a fifty-year-old hooker who just crawled out of the methadone clinic. That sounds totally mean, but I don't know how to put it more succinctly. Jael continues to cry, and says that she doesn't really know why she was chosen. Let me clarify. It's because you're CRAZY. Jael tells the panel that her mother is African-American and her father is German and Jewish. Tyra is stunned that Jael is half-black, as am I. She's a pasty-looking lady. Jael interviews that people are so focused on differences that we don't see the commonalities in each other. She considers herself American.

Next we have Diana, twenty-one, from Garfield, New Jersey; she's the other plus-sized girl. As she walks in, Tyra says that her proportions are nice. It's Diana's goal to be the first plus-sized girl to win America's Next Top Model. And given that the Chinese calendar has denoted this the Year of Kissing Tyra's Fat Ass, I think she might do it. Diana used to be skinny, and when she started putting on weight, her dad would say really mean things to her, like if she kept eating she wouldn't fit through the door. And for all you parents out there...don't do that. Seriously. But Diana finally told him that he can't do that to her, and that she's beautiful, no matter what they say. Words won't bring her down. Diana tells Tyra that she doesn't want to be stick skinny, and that she loves her body. Diana predicts that because she's plus-sized, the other girls won't see her as competition. This is fine with her, because she'd like to sneak under the radar. Diana is pretty, but her hair is distractingly greasy.

Felicia, nineteen, from Houston is next, and she tells the panel that everyone's been calling her "baby Tyra." It's the baby fivehead that does it. Felicia sees Jaslene and Melissa as ones to watch to pick up tips and tricks, but doesn't give much credence to the rest of the bunch. And I just have to say...what is up with this girl's eyebrows? They're glowing. It's really weird. As she stomps out, she says something about her skirt being short and her booty being tight. Well, good for you, then.

Back in the girls' hangout lounge, someone asks which girls are plus-sized models, because some appear to be on the line. Sarah authoritatively says that you have to be a size 12 to 14 to be a plus-sized model, and that Whitney's perfect. Kathleen interviews that the other girls don't seem to realize that Whitney and Diana are, in fact, their competition. Isn't it a common Shakespearean convention to have, like, the raving fool make some kind of eerily omniscient prediction for the future? I'm just saying. Kathleen notes that there is a cut tonight. Oh, thank God.

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America's Next Top Model

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