America's Next Top Model
The Girl Whose Boyfriend Is Cheating On Her

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Lisa Needs Her Diaper Changed

Eva then whips out her requisite tiny dog accessory and takes a few questions. She says that traveling is the greatest benefit of her job, along with meeting new people. I can agree with the first portion of this maxim, as I am now editing this recap from sunny Vieques, Puerto Rico, where I could give a hang about actually meeting new people. Spare me the extra homo sapiens and give me the beach! Eva says that she can smell that Bre and Nik -- her two sistahs in the corner -- have some questions. Bre says that it's a lot harder than it looks, and makes some remark about how Tyra and the panel have stripped her down. Not a question, but okay. Eva says that the judges are looking at the world's standards of beauty, but that the girls need to create their own standards of beauty and parlay their window of opportunity into what they want to do. I feel so gypped that no one asked one single innuendo-laden question about Missy Elliott. Jayla says that Eva made winning the competition seem really worthwhile, which only means that Eva is a good liar.

Bre asks where Lisa went, and Nicole says that she's putting on a show, per usual. Lisa is, in fact, chatting with the crew, who are eating lunch. She interviews that in this business, you have to work fast, hustle, and network. And really, you can't blame her for wanting to talk to people other than the Feeble Five. Kim dozes and Jayla yawns while Nicole gives a blank look. Lisa says that she'd love to sit around and be boring like the other girls, but the truth is that time's-a-wastin'. Literally, in her case, since she is 104. She rubs the bald black man on the head for luck. A genie does not pop out. Back in the full group, Nik, Kim, Nicole and Bre huddle together while Jayla and Lisa stand on the outskirts. Someone says that she likes the group, and Lisa adds an enthusiastic "Me too!" Nik gives her the hand and says, "No, we don't like you, Lisa." Ooooh, burn. Also, the dislike of Lisa must really have progressed to advanced stages if they're saying this to her face. Lisa interviews that a lot of the girls are hating her at this point, and that she is "going to be" friendless. She gives a look that falls somewhere between sad and dumb.

Back at the house, Lisa pours herself a glass of wine and decides that she's going to break the air of intensity that has befallen the house by dressing up in crazy costumes. Because everyone loves a clown, except for those who have scary dreams about them. Crazy costumes ensue. She's wearing a brown wig and big scary fake teeth and smeared lipstick and huge sunglasses and ugly clothes and honestly, she kind of looks like Coryn. She walks out wearing a green tank top that reads "Envy," and points to it, saying that's the problem around the house. Tip for Lisa: it's more effective if it's in Por-thu-gayse. Also, nobody will take you seriously if you're wearing fake teeth. Kim interviews that, to be honest, everyone is a little scared of Lisa. Crazy-looking Lisa confessionalizes that everyone be looking at her like she's crazy, and taking themselves way too serious, and that everybody just needs to calm down. She then does one of my favorite things ever and says in crazy Lisa voice, "Take a break. [Grabs giant jar of cookies.] Eat a cookie." It's all in the presentation. Bre interviews that all the girls agree that Lisa is crazy and has lost her damn mind. Commercials.

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America's Next Top Model




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