America's Next Top Model
The Girl Whose Lips Puffed Up

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Camille-y Mouthed

Visions of Splenda-made sugarplums dance in sleeping models' heads as night falls over Manhattan. However, up inside the ZoLoft, Camille and Catie -- possessing a cumulative thirty years, ninety pounds, and almost limitless capacity for very different forms of soul-sucking evil -- sit awake in a ludicrously small room that I can only guess is the physical manifestation of Camille's humanity rendered spatially. Because we've never seen them have a conversation, it makes absolute sense that we'd find them exchanging conversation in the tones of the eighth-grade sleepover (look for Catie to ask the situationally appropriate "What do you think it feels like to kiss a boy?" and then put her hands on her cheeks and wait politely for someone to tell her what it's like to act like a grown-up), Catie whispering, "Did you think she was going home or you were going home?" We cut to last week's tiny-dog-sponsored hideous miscarriage of justice that sent Xiomara packing her extra rows of teeth and taking the PATH train of shame back to her old life selling Amway or licking bedpans clean or wearing lots of buttons (er, sorry..."pieces of flair") while serving mozzarella sticks to unruly suburbanites who are thankful of their chosen deity that it is, in fact, Friday. All of these girls have such desperate lives to return to I can hardly even remember which one Xiomara is heading back to. Wherever she's going, it isn't one step in the direction of becoming America's Next Top Model.

Camille responds that she was "just chillin'," thus admitting to us that, at least on the subconscious level of ironic rhyme, she perceives herself to be somewhat "like a villain." In a confessional, Catie further explains that Camille is "an incredibly strong woman." And it's true that to lift that ego every day without assistance would be almost impossible for a hill of ants going ego-lifting on the moon, so that kind of brute strength is practically unknown on a planet with this particular center of gravity such as Earth. But Catie continues her one-woman Camille begrudging-respect-fest: "She has no vulnerability and shows no emotions, happy or sad. She's just medium." Hoo-boy, but if only the two of them could get trapped inside The Fly chamber for but a flash together, the mutant animal that would emerge from the other side would be -- dun-DUN-duuuuuuuun -- an emotionally even-keeled person. It's a monster! A MOOOONSTER!

In a different conversation in a different room on what seems to be an entirely different day, Catie sits on her bed and asks a suddenly faraway Camille, "Be honest. What one did you like better: long hair or short hair?" It's no wonder Catie deems Camille's reactions as being generally unresponsive, what with the topics of conversation meant to invigorate her being mostly of the "HairGate 2004" variety. Camille thinks about how she liked Catie's long hair better because it at least gave her a greater surface area of a nearby flat, shiny object, the better for her to see her own reflection in, and she mumbles in response something about being able to do "funky things" with it now that it's short. Like, for instance, making it a central enough character that it's had more of a plot arc than many of the girls living in that house. Which do you know more about: Sara or Catie's hair? Exactly. Does anyone else smell spinoff? Called -- oh, fine -- America's Next Top Culkin Impersonator Haircut. Clunky title. Culkin-y hair!

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America's Next Top Model

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