America's Next Top Model
The Girl With The Deliciously Tacky Dance

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Drunken Angel

Tyra Mail! Someone's getting eliminated tomorrow. Brittany says that it's going to be one of the hardest judgings so far, particularly for the almost twice-cut Lluvy. Lluvy is nervous. Brittany then interviews that she doesn't think Michelle has what it takes to become a top model. Don't be shy saying what you feel, there, Betty Ford. Michelle is also worried. Commercials.

And then Eva tells us about her experience at Marc Bouwer's show during fashion week. She is impressed by Vivica Fox in the front row, but not by Vivica Fox's hips, which Marc Bouwer would clearly deem three inches too wide.

We are introduced to the judging segment with a photo of Tyra being splashed with water. There are no gas pumps in sight, though she does appear to be wearing leg warmers. At judging, she wears a furry leopard wrap which makes her look a lot like a throw pillow with an orange weave. She tells the girls that tonight brings the fifth cut of the season. She describes the prizes, and introduces the judges. The guest judge for the week is Mathu. She says to the girls, "This week you will be evaluated on how well you sell your most important product. Being what yourself. That's all I'm going to say." The girls give puzzled looks, and I don't know how they could be confused with the crystal clear direction of "being what yourself." They separate, and each gets a little card that says, "Inside this bag you will find all the materials necessary to create the packaging for a perfume that represents who you are as a person and as a model. You will have five minutes to personalize your packaging and one minute to sell to the judges. Begin." So, it's kind of a craft project. The girls hurriedly bedazzle their bottles as wacky music plays in the background.

Each girl then tries to sell her perfume to the judges. Tyra explains that each judge will take on a different character "from around the globe," each representing a consumer who is interested in the various perfumes. Oh, goodness. Why doesn't Tyra learn that this is never a good thing, and that she and the others should just get out of the way and let Janice have at it? Janice plays Babs Firestein from Brooklyn, New York; Nolé/ Flambé is Nolé Le Pue from France, because much like Tony Danza he cannot envision a character that does not have his same first name; Nigel is Johnny Hott from Chelsea, England; and Mathu is Igor Slutsky from Russia. And, most tragically, Tyra is Precious Tang from the fashion capital of Louisiana. Oh, this is going to be a long segment.

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America's Next Top Model

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