America's Next Top Model
The Girl With The Secret

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Dancer In The Snark

Cassie is next. She's tall and willowy. She says she may look like an all-American girl, but she doesn't have an all-American job. Because she's a stripper.

Whoa! Sound of record scratching to a halt. Mrs. J. quips that stripping sounds like an all-American job to him. Oh, that lovable homo! What will he say next?! Anyway, Cassie says that she tries to keep it classy while stripping, and that she got into this line of work because her deadbeat dad won't support her financially and she's putting herself through college. Dude, this is so Angel! Cassie says that no one knows that she strips. They do now, Classie! As she exits the room, a pixilated blur on her ass indicates that her bathing suit bottom is a thong. Honey, try to leave the job at the office, okay?

Julie, age twenty, is here to represent the pride, beauty and intelligence of Indian women. She wants to break stereotypes (though she does bear an uncanny resemblance to Manjula, Apu's wife on The Simpsons) and begins her quest by mock-choreographing a Bollywood film. I have to say that some of the most beautiful women I've ever met have been Indian. I'm not sure if Julie rates, but it does seem like it would be fun to grab a Kingfisher and a veggie samosa with her.

On a side note, what the F is Tyra wearing?

Magdalena is from WOOSTAHHH, Mass. You know, before I moved to New England, I always thought that it was pronounced "Wor-chest-er." I had no idear it was so wicked hahd to sound out. Magdalena looks like hot fried ass in her video, but wears a swimsuit well. She was studying to be a nurse, which may well come in handy if (haha - if!) Janice needs to be resuscitated or stitched back together at some point later in the season.

Tiffany comes in next and admits that she's kind of ghetto. Tiffany has a sketchy past. She started school in a worn, torn dress that somebody threw out, and was expelled for fighting. Hurt, scorned, rejected! I'm sure none of those tendencies will surface in this episode. Tiffany wants to prove that she can be someone, be someone. And if you have a fast car, she wants a ticket to anywhere. Particularly to the models' apartment in New York, where she thinks she'll soften up a little. She's tired of fighting. She don't want to study war no mo'.

Which leads to...the girls' night out. Roxanne interviews that the girls want to "get their party on," which may explain why this is the last we hear of Roxanne. To avail themselves of the fully glamorous Los Angeles experience, the girls go to (The Original) Barney's Beanery. They drink, they dance, they whoop. A man with a giant Mohawk looks on, wishing for some peace and quiet.

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America's Next Top Model

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