America's Next Top Model
The Girl With The Secret

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Next up: Jennipher, age twenty-two, Pocatello, Idaho. Phunny, I thought she was phrom Filadelfia. Jennipher's video shows that Pocatello is a town for hicks and freaks, and not for glamorous supermodels. When asked why she wants to be a model, Jennipher tearfully explains that she needs to get out of Pocatello -- you won't find her getting knocked up and sporting the Jaclyn Smith collection for the rest of her life! -- and that the only way to do that is to go on a reality-television show that results in fame and fortune. I'm sorry, but if you want to get the hell out of Dodge, then just move. It's not that I'm not sympathetic, but all I'm saying is that you don't see me hanging around the 7-11 in Turtle Creek very much these days. It can be done.

Aimee Mann escapes from 1984 and walks into the room. No, it's actually crazy-haired Rachael, who has some modeling experience but hasn't yet landed a "big opportunity" such as this. She thinks her experience (not to mention her sassy brown poncho!) gives her a leg up over the other girls.

Next up is Kristi (whose name, age and hometown are suspiciously not present on the screen), who is a twenty-year old republican and values her blonde hair. You guys? It's totally Jenna Bush. She feels like the only Republican in all of New York. She not only brags about, but -- quite unfortunately -- actually wears her hideous American-flag prom dress. "Yankee Doodle" plays in the background as Dandy Mrs. J. says, "I would have done a red sparkle shoe." Hee!

Nicole, age twenty-one and from North Dakota, works her bikini and confesses to being a drunken whore. Actually, she says she gets "loves everyone" when she drinks and gets "very friendly" with both men and women. Semantics. She feels that sexuality shouldn't be limited. Whatever. I've lost my senses and drunkenly made out with a few guys on more than one occasion and you don't see me making a political statement about it on national TV. In related front-page news, Nicole is now dating Cynthia Nixon.

Nargis is next, and she stumbles over the words in her crappy rehearsed speech. Nargis made it to the semi-finals last year, and can't believe that she's getting a second chance. Well, then she'd better make the most of it, right? She then says that she has no favorite or least favorite model (well do you?) and that she looks at modeling as "a job. And that's it." Because if there's one thing her experiences have taught her, it's that these judges love ambivalence.

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America's Next Top Model

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