America's Next Top Model
The Girl With The Secret

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Mrs. J. interviews that what he looks for most in the contestants is "good DNA." This cues Eva, who struts in looking like one totally crazy bitch. It's so great that she feels comfortable being herself in front of the judges! Tyra says that about 80% (model, producer, statistician) of the other girls have something bad to say about Eva. Eva says they're all oversensitive. Tyra asks if there's a need to be nasty and negative. Eva says she isn't negative and nasty except when it comes to Amy, but that's because Amy looks like she just got back from the camps and it's disturbing. Slow-motion footage of Amy appears and you can hear a nation saying, "Point for Eva."

But that's not enough for Tyra, who says that she doesn't want to cast another black bitch. ["HA!" -- Wing Chun] Eva says that she is who she is and says what she thinks, but she doesn't actually want to hurt anyone's feelings. Tyra (in this segment known as "Dr. Fil" -- model, producer, psychiatrist) says, "I think you do." Tyra says that Eva knows how to hurt people because she's been hurt before. Who's hurt you, Eva? Who? Eva says that she's struggled and has only herself to rely on. That's why she wears this hard veneer! Don't you understand? Everyone's been mean to Eva -- her parents, father, brothers, classmates -- everyone!

And what happened then?/ Well, according to J./ Cruel Eva's small heart/ Grew three sizes that day! /And the minute a teardrop tugged soft at her eye/ She ran to the arms of a motherly Ty/ And then, to the others, with not even a smirk/ She said she was sorry for being a jerk.

Time for a cut! Those who stay will get a "photo shoot" with Jay and his digital camera. Casting director Michelle Mock-Falcon (Mock-Falcon?) explains that twenty girls will make it to the next round, and posts a list of the winners. You know who is on that list? "Kristi." Just like that, in quotes. You don't suppose someone's identity is being protected by the Department of Homeland Security, do you?

Losers include Nargis, teddy bear girl, bony Amy, and Tiffany. Tiffany is sad. She says that it would have been a big change from hustling to being a glamour girl. Does that mean that she's a prostitute? Everyone at home is going to say I told you so. But it's okay, Tiffany says, because someone has to fail, and she's used to failing. And as her dream dies on a cold, gray mornin', another little baby child is born...in the ghetto.

And now, the event you've all been waiting for. Amanda voices over that she would feel more comfortable if everyone else knew about her problem. So, in a way that is not at all reminiscent of a drama queen, she gets a production assistant to quiet everyone in the room. She says that she hasn't been completely honest with everyone and that...she is legally blind. Everyone gasps! At this, Mrs. Potes looked at the television with disdain and said, "Oh come on. I'm one prescription away from being legally blind. Big deal." She then patted my head and told me the cat needed brushing, and went into the kitchen and poured herself a refreshing glass of ketchup. And then -- and this is actually pretty sad -- Amanda says that she is going to be about thirty when she goes completely blind. Commericals.

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America's Next Top Model

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