The girls gather together to hear who the final thirteen will be. Lisa says that she's confident: "I'm the jam. I don't understand why anyone wouldn't want to butter their bread with me." I would contend that it's because she might be the toe jam. Ebony says that she'll be crushed if she's eliminated. Beauty Queen Cassandra is called first, which makes me wish Tyra had given a caveat that the girls were announced in no specific order. Nik makes it, as do Kyle, Ashley, Bre, Kim, duck lip Sarah, Jayla (who looks remarkably like Rachel Dratch in profile), and Coryn (who Tyra says has a lot riding on the competition). Tyra asks what Coryn is feeling, and Coryn says, "I did it." Coryn is totally going to be this season's exploited one. Nicole is called next and cries as if her Chapstick got put through the wash. Diane is called, as is Lisa. Tyra says that the thirteenth and last girl is someone Tyra didn't think should be a finalist until the one-on-one session. Thus we learn that Ebony's butt-kissing truly did work, and she makes it in. Pretty Regina, the drag queen and other unknowns are sad. Regina says that she doesn't normally wear her heart on her sleeve, but that she tried being emotionally open during this process and it sucked, so she's going back to being dead inside. Nice work, Tyra. And with that, the unlucky thirteen celebrate, and we have plenty of crushed dreams to look forward to in the weeks to come.

Stay tuned for the recap of the second hour of the ANTM premiere!