America's Next Top Model
The Girl With The Twisted Catch Phrase

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Twisted Sister

We return to Tyra and the Jays privately discussing which girls will make the final cut. Jay says that Kim looked like a broken-down caboose on the runway. He is wearing a t-shirt that reads, "Friend with privileges." He thinks that part of Kim's problem is that she was trying to look feminine, i.e. not like herself. Tyra asks whether she looked like a man in a dress, and Jay says that no man ever looked that bad in a dress. Mr. Jay, I direct your attention to one Patrick Swayze. Tyra says that Kim's top lip is drawn like a cartoon character's. Miss J. doesn't see Ashley's pretty gene. Tyra thinks she's beautiful but perhaps a bit too actressy. Lisa's turn on the runway was impressive, but Jay is scared to see her in a photo situation because of the kind-of-maybe-ugliness. Tyra likes Bre's wide-set eyes but think she's a bit rough. Tyra approximates what she thinks is a Harlem actress. Jay likes Jayla, but Miss J. thinks she might have rickets. The camera loves Nik. Sarah was broad and lacks grace. Miss J. and Tyra love her full lips. Jay loves Ebony's skin and eyes. Tyra likes happy, pretty Kyle, and Jay thinks she's a perfect commercial model. Miss J. thinks Cassandra is beautiful, but Jay and Tyra argue that she's pinched. ["Word. She's like a pointier Sandra Bullock." -- Wing Chun] Tyra is on the fence with drag queen April. Miss J. says that Coryn needs an eyebrow tweezing kit. Jay loves Nicole, Cup O Noodles and all. Miss J. loves Regina's face, but her body type is a bit fleshy. Tyra thinks she should gain weight and become a plus-sized model. Miss J. thinks that Diane can take the title, but Jay thinks that while she's great up close, she doesn't carry from a distance.

The girls gather together to hear who the final thirteen will be. Lisa says that she's confident: "I'm the jam. I don't understand why anyone wouldn't want to butter their bread with me." I would contend that it's because she might be the toe jam. Ebony says that she'll be crushed if she's eliminated. Beauty Queen Cassandra is called first, which makes me wish Tyra had given a caveat that the girls were announced in no specific order. Nik makes it, as do Kyle, Ashley, Bre, Kim, duck lip Sarah, Jayla (who looks remarkably like Rachel Dratch in profile), and Coryn (who Tyra says has a lot riding on the competition). Tyra asks what Coryn is feeling, and Coryn says, "I did it." Coryn is totally going to be this season's exploited one. Nicole is called next and cries as if her Chapstick got put through the wash. Diane is called, as is Lisa. Tyra says that the thirteenth and last girl is someone Tyra didn't think should be a finalist until the one-on-one session. Thus we learn that Ebony's butt-kissing truly did work, and she makes it in. Pretty Regina, the drag queen and other unknowns are sad. Regina says that she doesn't normally wear her heart on her sleeve, but that she tried being emotionally open during this process and it sucked, so she's going back to being dead inside. Nice work, Tyra. And with that, the unlucky thirteen celebrate, and we have plenty of crushed dreams to look forward to in the weeks to come.

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America's Next Top Model




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