America's Next Top Model
The Girl With The Twisted Catch Phrase

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Twisted Sister

Next is Diane, twenty-three, from Orlando. She is Puerto Rican and a criminal defense investigator. This all makes me wish I were watching Law & Order. Or The Apprentice: Martha Stewart. Diane talks a little about her job, and all I get is that she has a friend named Bobo and a really nebulous command of grammar. She's the plus-sized one, and I guess I think she's pretty, but I'm not entirely sure. She says that if any obstacle gets in her way, "you're about to be runned over by Big D." She flirts with Tyra in Spanish. Jay says that her body proportions are great for a plus-sized model.

Then in walks friendless Susanna, and we discover why, despite an absence of any good looks Tyra chose her to be in the final thirty-six: Susanna has had breast cancer. She indelicately explains, "This whole side was just lumps, basically, made up of lumps, so, I mean, they took it all out." She tells Tyra that she has a history of cancer in her family and so was freaking out but just got a test back and it was benign. She says it "B-9" like the vitamin, though. ["Or the bingo ball." -- Wing Chun] And I don't exactly understand if she had cancer or not. She then interviews, in a turn of phrase I would prefer never to hear again, "I was like, oh my god, you're taking my last, like, what I have...my nub."

We then get a montage of girls walking badly with yodeling in the background. All righty, then.

Next is beauty queen Cassandra, who is proud to be from Texas. She says that Texas is by far the most competitive state for beauty pageants, which says a lot about Texas. Cassandra was Miss Houston Teen USA 2003, which I guess is something of an accomplishment. In her video, she says that she's used to working with hair and makeup people and does exactly what they tell her to do. Oh, sweet, sweet foreshadowing. Tyra -- who, I may add, is looking really good these days -- quizzes Cassandra on current pageant victors, a subject Cassandra knows well. ["Of course, Cassandra could just be making shit up and it's not like Tyra would know the difference." -- Wing Chun] Tyra then asks her to name three current cover girls, and Cassandra struggles. She admits that it sounds like she's more dedicated to pageants than to modeling. Tyra thinks she's beautiful anyway.

Next we meet the excitable and man-voiced Ashley, twenty-two, from Fort Lauderdale. She's a buyer for a boutique and loves fashion. She proves herself quite knowledgeable when Jay quizzes her. He tells her that she looks like Charlize Theron meets Sharon Stone, and Ashley explains that there is a "pretty gene" in her family. Jay says that they all have that, and Tyra makes a face, indicating that she's going to put Ashley in the finals just so she can cut her first. Ashley interviews that she has great skin tone and a lot of other things working for her, which makes her a perfect wannabe model.

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America's Next Top Model

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