America's Next Top Model
The Girl With The Worst Photo In History

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Brandy, You're a Fine Girl

Christina is next as my sign, Libra the Scales. I think that's karma for all the mean stuff I say in these recaps. Jay tells her to soften the eyes. Tracy the photographer said that Tatiana gave her what she wanted, and that she's got a beautiful face. She does look kind of good when they make her up and paint on lips. Jay and Tracy demonstrate for Tatiana the pose that they want her to create in two shots as Gemini the Twins. She struggles a bit. Jay tells us, "You've got to trust the harness." Somehow that makes more sense than most things that come out of his mouth. Backstage, Brandy complains to hairdresser Rob Talty about having to wait to get her hair done. Where is Danilo, I wonder? Brandy interviews that she was getting impatient. And seriously, take a nap or something and be glad that you don't have to do any actual work. Rebecca poses as Virgo the Virgin. She looks quite pretty. Jay says that she's very comfortable on the wire, but that he would like her to give more expression. Michelle has a giant pitcher and long wig as Aquarius the Water Bearer. Tracy directs her to think of the water pitcher as her infant, and to cradle it. But not if she lives in Florida! Jay tells Tracy that this was Michelle's best shoot, and Michelle says that it was fun. But not as fun as getting it on with another chick!

And then, poor fucking Lluvy. Lluvy has giant sequins plastered all over her face and is literally tangled in a net. Jay says that Lluvy struggled in the harness and couldn't get the pose that they wanted. She can't move! And did I mention the shit all over her face? Sorry, but the outcome of this shoot is totally not Lluvy's fault.

Backstage, Christina says that she disagrees with the way Brandy threatened Tatiana. Tiffany interviews that everyone is talking about the incident. She tells Tatiana that she has a stink mouth and so does Brandy, and that two stink-mouthed people are bound to get into it. Sometimes I think that recapping this show is making me lose my command of the English language. ["Although the sub-literates on Road to Stardom make this crowd look like the Algonquin Round Table." -- Wing Chun] Tatiana interviews that she doesn't know what Brandy has against her, but that she doesn't even want to try to be Brandy's friend. Tiffany interviews that Brandy is sweet 90% of the time (and I think that might be a bit of overestimation, but I highly doubt that Tiffany is good with numbers) but that Brandy is bound to get an attitude with bitchy girls like Tatiana throwing fire at her. And you can kind of tell by Tatiana's face that she is an undercover bitch. Brandy is last to pose, and Jay tells her that he doesn't need tired. She poses, and he gives her some "direction" to work the harness. He says that he wishes Brandy would take command of the harness and lash out, "kind of like a scorpion would." I wish that a scorpion would lash out on Jay's face and force him to take medical leave.

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America's Next Top Model

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