Ashley says that to be crushed -- and especially to be crushed first -- sucks. So much for always being happy. She wonders what will happen if she tries harder, and also wonders what will happen on her second casting call if this is what happens on her first. She says that she's not going to cry, and leaves "House of Top Model." Her image disappears from the group photo and the first episode comes to a close.

Oh, but we're not quite through. Suddenly we are transported into a dank-looking forest and hear a half-wit voice over, "Once upon a time there was a goddess...and a hunter. She was beautiful, and he couldn't help himself." Yes, everyone, it is Britney Spears. And this dank forest isn't just any moldy rotfest, but rather is symbolic of her vagina. And also...beautiful goddess? And the hunter is maybe K. Fed or maybe a cunning look-alike, though I can't imagine what on his schedule would prevent Cletus from being in this commercial. Britney continues to voice over, "There wasn't a single part of her he didn't want to touch." Unlike the rest of us, who couldn't imagine a single part of her we WOULD want to touch. Also, even her cheese feet? Britney throws some sort of fairy dust at him, and Cletus the Hunter, complete with bow and arrow, runs to find her, breezing past a tree trunk upon which is carved "Britney + Kevin." Gross. "But she was leaving soon," the narration continues, "on a goddess world tour." Jigga what? We get a flash of modern-day Britney in concert. An owl looks askance at the pair. "So he did something kind of crazy..." Um, left his seven-months-pregnant wife only to introduce her to the wonders of crystal meth, knock her up, and secure a future full of all the manpris money can buy? No, as it turns out he shot her with a "magic love arrow." Well, if that's what the kids are calling it these days. And they lived happily ever after. Turns out it is an ad for Fantasy, a new fragrance by Britney Spears. "Fantasy. Everybody has one." My fantasy is that the two of them go away, for real this time.

Next on ANTM: Makeovers! Something is happening to Cassandra's hair, and she's none too happy about it. And Lisa stokes the ire of Kim, who is sitting awfully close to Sarah on the bed.