America's Next Top Model
The Girls Become Super Heroes

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Kim Gets A Toaster

The girls return. Tyra, whose necklace I covet, says that only twelve will survive. The first name she is going to call is Nik. The second through eleventh names she is going to call are Lisa, Cassandra, Diane, Jayla, Kyle, Bre, Ebony, Coryn (whom Tyra calls Groucho Marx), Nicole, and Kim. Sarah and Ashley are instructed to step forward. The girl Tyra does not call must hoof it out of there posthaste. Sarah is not standing there because she can't walk. Tyra isn't looking for perfection; she is looking for talent she can work with. But seeing Sarah crack under pressure made the judges wonder if she could handle the competition. Tyra condescendingly tells Ashley that she's probably wondering why she's there. She says that Ashley's picture and runway walk were all right, but that the judges think Ashley might just be a pretty girl who doesn't have what it takes to become a top model. Tyra calls Sarah's name and congratulates her. She asks what Sarah will do the next time she stumbles on a runway, and Sarah answers, "Suck face with the first lady lover I can find." Ashley -- who looks totally old anyway -- is dismissed. Miss J. dramatically removes a flower from his corsage.

Ashley says that to be crushed -- and especially to be crushed first -- sucks. So much for always being happy. She wonders what will happen if she tries harder, and also wonders what will happen on her second casting call if this is what happens on her first. She says that she's not going to cry, and leaves "House of Top Model." Her image disappears from the group photo and the first episode comes to a close.

Oh, but we're not quite through. Suddenly we are transported into a dank-looking forest and hear a half-wit voice over, "Once upon a time there was a goddess...and a hunter. She was beautiful, and he couldn't help himself." Yes, everyone, it is Britney Spears. And this dank forest isn't just any moldy rotfest, but rather is symbolic of her vagina. And also...beautiful goddess? And the hunter is maybe K. Fed or maybe a cunning look-alike, though I can't imagine what on his schedule would prevent Cletus from being in this commercial. Britney continues to voice over, "There wasn't a single part of her he didn't want to touch." Unlike the rest of us, who couldn't imagine a single part of her we WOULD want to touch. Also, even her cheese feet? Britney throws some sort of fairy dust at him, and Cletus the Hunter, complete with bow and arrow, runs to find her, breezing past a tree trunk upon which is carved "Britney + Kevin." Gross. "But she was leaving soon," the narration continues, "on a goddess world tour." Jigga what? We get a flash of modern-day Britney in concert. An owl looks askance at the pair. "So he did something kind of crazy..." Um, left his seven-months-pregnant wife only to introduce her to the wonders of crystal meth, knock her up, and secure a future full of all the manpris money can buy? No, as it turns out he shot her with a "magic love arrow." Well, if that's what the kids are calling it these days. And they lived happily ever after. Turns out it is an ad for Fantasy, a new fragrance by Britney Spears. "Fantasy. Everybody has one." My fantasy is that the two of them go away, for real this time.

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America's Next Top Model

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