America's Next Top Model
The Girls Go Bald

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Bald Fuggle
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Top Model is back baby! Tyra begins the show's opening montage of previous seasons by telling us, "America's Next Top Model is not just about beauty." Nor, are we to soon learn, is it about beauty at all. Let Season 6, whose theme appears to be, "This is your fantasy, if your fantasy involves lots of homely girls," begin!

We cut to LAX, where the semi-final thirty-two girls are arriving. We first meet Sarah, twenty-one, from Davis, California, who has no modeling experience but thinks she'll do just fine anyway, and Danielle, twenty, from Little Rock, Arkansas, who will not rest until she gets into the Top Model house. A small break separates good from evil as we meet Dani, eighteen, from Spring, Texas. Dani's entire life has been a dream, she says, because she cheerleads at football games and has so many friends. As we are to learn, however, Dani's perception of reality is a bit distorted, so I wouldn't take her word for any of that. Next, Kathy, twenty, from Brevard, NC, says that she has just taken her first plane trip to come to the semi-finals. With that, God finally got to see what he had created close-up. And then, He wept. Kathy notes that people really do look like ants from high up above. Kathy, from ground level, looks like a fifty-year-old whore.

Several girls chat in the airport van to their hotel, and discuss their experiences auditioning. The aforementioned Dani shows her aptitude for statistics by spontaneously disaggregating the data from her audition, noting that the girls there were 95% black. Her van, which is populated by two African-American girls and one girl of Asian descent, is rife with "No she didn't" looks. One of the African-Americans, who we will learn later is Furonda, says, "I mean, what's your point, though?" Dani says her point is just that there were a lot of black girls. You know she wanted to say "coloreds." In an interview, Dani says that she has her opinions, and tries to stay committed to them. In her audition video, she calls herself an "uber-conservative Republican hardcore Baptist." She does not like gay people, Muslims, abortions, or anything liberal. So then she's okay with the super-conservative Muslims, I guess, and will be joining the jihad at any moment. Furonda says that Dani is not going to make her become "the angry black woman." At this point, Dani is making me an angry black woman.

Quick flash of the Rose Bowl, where I saw Cher in her penultimate concert! Follow this, bitches!

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America's Next Top Model

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