America's Next Top Model
The Girls Go Bald

Episode Report Card
Potes: B+ | Grade It Now!
Bald Fuggle

Janice and Jay emerge from the press conference room. Janice holds on to Jay's shoulders and says, "We were having sex!" For some reason, I laugh and laugh at that. Janice needlessly adds, "Just kidding!" and shows that she finds herself as funny as I find her by cracking herself up. Jay and Janice announce that the panel felt overwhelmingly that...Nnenna was the winner. Janice gives Nnenna a huge hug and says that she rocks. Nnenna feels very good about herself. She gets to pick three friends, and chooses Gina, Jade, and Sara. These girls get a head start moving into the house, which is a good advantage in terms of getting the room that you want.

The girls head to the house, which is gorgeous. Its theme is "ANTM Modeling Agency," and each room has a theme. For example, the "Twiggy Room" is '60s mod. Mollie Sue idolizes Twiggy and says that Twiggy is the reason she got into modeling. Nnenna gravitates toward the Iman room. Jade loves the glam Janice room and says that she envisions herself as Janice, because Janice "looks like an exotic biracial butterfly, much like myself." Jade, I know Janice Dickinson, and you are no Janice Dickinson. I bet Janice tried to crawl out of her window at rehab so that she could find Jade and sock her in the jaw. Wendy and Kathy like the cheery Christie Brinkley room. The last room is the "Top Model room," and is a collection of past ANTM contestants and winners. Furonda is in shock and awe at how her life has changed for the better. I am still in shock and awe that Furonda made it to the final thirteen. The house's courtyard is amazing and features a hot tub and pool. Several girls jump into the pool fully clothed and yell, "America's Next Top Model!" as we head to commercials.

When we return, the girls are heading out to dinner. They get lots of food and make a toast. Gina notes that it's been a long day, and that the stuff with Jade is getting to her. Someone opens a bottle of champagne, and the next thing you know, Gina is wasted. The other girls laugh until they realize that she is (even more of) a bumbling idiot when drunk. She stumbles around. Kathy says that she's never seen someone so drunk before, and that it scared her. Kathy has obviously not been to college. The girls help an embarrassed and humiliated Gina into the car. She interviews that she's never going to drink alcohol again, which is a likely story. This is why Lisa was so great. She was all, "I'm drunk and I know it. Pass the bubbles!"

Meanwhile, back at the homestead, some hot-tubbing is occurring. Brooke is wearing a Run, Lola, Run wig, but in blue. At least I think it's Brooke. It's hard to tell with such a mysterious and effective disguise. The girls in the hot tub try to convince Kathy to get in naked. Kathy interviews that she saw boobies. To corroborate her story, we get footage of the ho- tub girls taking off their tops. Kathy says that she didn't fit in because she has none. Boobies, that is. Pink gold. Texas A-cup. Joanie -- who I think is leader of the Hot Tub Gang -- says that she'll give someone forty dollars to catwalk naked along the side of the pool. There is twittering. She says that she has a hundred-dollar bill in her wallet and will go get it. We see a shot of Brooke and her nice rack. Joanie interviews that she offered Nnenna the $100. We see Joanie in the pool waving the soggy cash around. See, that is just gross and unsanitary. The ANTM staffers should fill that hot tub with antibacterial Purell. Joanie gives stipulations for the walk: it has to be a Tyra-style sexy strut, and no covering of the boobies is allowed. Jade, who is enjoying a nice glass of shiraz, says that she'll do it with Nnenna and split the winnings 50-50. Joanie slurs, "Two for the money. Two for the show. Two to get ready. Now friggin' walk." But there is no friggin' walking to be had because Jade is full of shit. She says that she's worth more than a soggy $100 bill. She's worth a million dollars. Wouldn't it be awesome of Joanie pulled a million-dollar bill out of her g-string right now? She does not. She does, however, make chicken noises as she plasters the wet $100 bill to her forehead. Joanie interviews that Jade has a façade of strength, but that Joanie sees right through her. Seriously, Jade is a loser.

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America's Next Top Model




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