America's Next Top Model
The Girls Go Bald

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Bald Fuggle

Next is Furonda, twenty-four, from Stuttgart, Arkansas. Bitch is rough-looking. We find out that she used to be a phone-sex operator, and get a montage of her various phone-sex voices (black and beautiful, valley girl, dominatrix, big and beautiful), all of which, in my opinion, seem liable to kill any sensation in a person's nether regions for good. Furonda is wicked skinny. She thinks her ability to be a chameleon and portray different characters will be to her benefit. Well, she needs something to compensate for that face. Tyra says that she sees "it" in Furonda's face. Jay says that she looks like a praying mantis, which is a good thing in the world of fashion.

Next is Kari, eighteen, from Brookings, South Dakota. She wants to be a model so that she can get the hell out of South Dakota. ["Good thinking. -- Wing Chun] She knows crap about modeling, with the exception of Victoria's Secret. Kari is a little on the thicker side. She's cute, though. She has huge lips, a huge head, and all kinds of hair. Jay says that she looks like a Bratz doll, which is pretty accurate.

Then we have Dr. Yvonne, who lays on the "personality" really thick. We discover that she is, in fact, an emergency-room doctor. Miss J. pretends that he is choking so that Dr. Yvonne will come and give him the Heimlich. He spits out a bunch of white stuff, which is not at all against type. Yvonne explains that while being a doctor is okay, modeling is her passion. Tyra says that Yvonne has the type of look that the fashion industry loves right now. Fashion: giving hope to the ugly girls.

Speaking of, New Orleans Wendy is next. Tyra wastes no time in asking Wendy about Hurricane Katrina and showing us footage of the city underwater. Very Special music plays. Wendy says that she did evacuate, but never though that she would have to leave her house and never go back. It is sad, but doesn't excuse the fact that Wendy is totally unattractive. God is going to strike me down one of these days.

[Poof!]

No, just kidding. Anyway, it gets worse: Wendy got out, but her parents were stuck in a car for two days. They were stopped on a bridge, and the last time she talked to her father, the water had risen on both sides of the bridge and he couldn't go anywhere. Tyra says she didn't know that, which I don't believe at all. She totally cast Wendy so that she could exploit her plight on ANTM and then feature her on future episodes of The Tyra Banks Show, which I find reprehensible but unsurprising. Wendy is, quite understandably, a mess. It is so wrong that they cast her on this show. She says that it's hard to stay focused, but that she's going to do what she has to do. She thinks her mom would be proud of her. Commercials.

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America's Next Top Model

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