America's Next Top Model
The Girls Go Bald

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Bald Fuggle

Next is crying Andrea, who grew up on a farm making wine. So, a vineyard, then? She says that her mom is her best friend and that her dad is her hero, and she cries every time she thinks about them because of how they're so loving and supportive. O...kay. Tyra asks if Andrea could handle being away from her family, and she admits that she's bound to cry a lot. We see her in a swimsuit, and she is problematically skinny. She also has little cuts and bruises and marks all over her legs, which is nasty. In an interview, she weeps and says that opportunities like this don't come to people where she's from. Like, I don't know, take a train somewhere then. Miss J. says that she needs to eat something besides grapes.

Next is Leah, nineteen, from Boca Raton, who sets up the crazy losers montage. You know the one: contestants we never see again do something stupid. Leah fancies herself the best go-go dancer ever and sets about proving it to the panel. There is some butt shaking. Someone appears to walk in like a cockroach while another girl hisses. Andrea shows us how she squashes grapes with her nasty, scabby feet. Note to self: find name of vineyard, do not buy wine, avoid choking on piece of toenail.

A moonwalking girl who seems like part of the crazy losers montage is actually Joanie from Beaver Falls. We learn that she is a preacher's daughter. She says that she respects her dad, and that he's a leader and a shepherd to hundreds of sheep. Joanie says that, growing up sheltered, you're bound to want to rebel, so she acted out. Tyra asks how, and Joanie says that she performed in some amateur nights at various strip clubs. Beaver Falls, indeed. And I have to say, I have no problem with stripping for money because, you know, we all have bills. But to do it for free is puzzling to me. Joanie also says that she was a cage dancer. Tyra notes that this appears to be specific rebellion against her father. Tyra asks Joanie to do her best stripping move, and Joanie asks the panel to clap along. Joanie interviews that her dad doesn't know about the stripping and the cage dancing and whatnot, but the Lord is the only one who can judge her. The Lord is like, "Bitch, get some self-respect." Joanie is totally going to shame her family.

Next is Leslie, eighteen, from Higley, Arizona. Leslie was my pre-show favorite, but now I don't know. She says that her grandparents had a huge influence on the way she was raised. She's Hispanic, so if she brought home a black guy, there would be problems. Tyra asks what would happen if Leslie brought home Miss J., and Leslie says that they don't have anything against black women, which makes everyone's day. Leslie says that she has a versatile look, in that she can pass for a number of different ethnicities. It is true. She walks in her swimsuit. I just have to tell you that I'm now on a totally full plane, and have just paused on a shot of Leslie's crotch. You don't realize how porny and embarrassing this show is until you watch it in public. Leslie has a tattoo that reads, "What nourishes me destroys me." It is the same tattoo Angelina Jolie has ["except I think Jolie's is in Latin" -- Wing Chun]. That's pretty lame. Miss J. says that Leslie has an "escort walk," and I don't know what that means. Jay notes that model Yasmeen Ghauri had the same type of walk, and she was a big-time model.

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America's Next Top Model

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