America's Next Top Model
The Girls Go Bald

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Bald Fuggle

Next is Shkita from Watts, California. She loves Mr. Jay and labels herself a ghetto black Barbie. She is so unattractive, I can't even express it in words.

Pretty in direct comparison with Shkita is Brooke, twenty-one, from Corpus Christi, Texas. She says that she's more of a hippie, and doesn't wear makeup, brush her hair, or wear shoes. She lost me on parts two and three, there. Brooke also loves airplane food. Tyra is with her on that, because Tyra loves all food. I heard she mistook her own Season 4 red weave for ribs with barbecue sauce and ate it. That must have been some nasty hairball she coughed up on the carpet. Brooke says that her biggest advantage is that she looks different than the other girls. Brooke looks different than all humans. Jay likes it, probably because he can envision her with lots of undereye concealer.

Next is stupid Dani, who has wasted enough of our time already. Tyra calls her on her shit, and Dani says that her audition comments about hating gays and stuff were just meant to get people's attention. Mission accomplished. ["And, I could have told you that. Pretending to be a gigantic bigot got her a free trip out of Spring." -- Wing Chun] Tyra and the Jays note that everyone who works in fashion is gay. Dani interviews that she's a cheerleader, so she knows about gays. She tells the panel that she has a moral obligation to her church, and that she doesn't "agree with" the gay lifestyle. Tyra wants to make sure that Dani knows what she might be getting into, and says that fashion is for everything that Dani is against. Dani quite hilariously says that she thinks people should have a more open mind, because you can't help where you were born and how you were raised or which seat on the bus is yours by divine right. The Jays are so not having Dani.

It's time for the first cut from thirty-two to twenty. The photos of the winners are in twenty makeup bags one room over. There's pandemonium as the winners and losers discover who they are. Commercials.

We return to continued pandemonium. The top twenty are the thirteen girls you've known were in for weeks from the UPN website, and seven others that you don't really care about. Andrea cries and rambles something about missing a plane. Jade -- who I forgot about for a really great moment -- acts like a jerk. The losers, who include Shkita Ghetto Barbie, cry but keep their collective chins up.

The Jays tell the girls that they'll have their first photo shoot tonight. It is a head-and-shoulders beauty shot, and they'll have to do their own makeup in ten minutes with the kits they received. They do, and then meet photographer Jay Lawrence Goldman, who tells them that they'll have a quick down-and-dirty shoot. They won't get any direction from him, and will have ten frames. Jade tells us that she thought she'd have no problem making it when she went to New York but, in fact, it was harder than she anticipated. Gee, I wonder why. Now that she's twenty-six, she thinks it's time that she be discovered. Jade tells the photographer that her side profile is good. The girls pose, talk about how much they want to win, and trash talk each other. Dani adds "armpits" to her list of prejudices. Armpits, affirmative action, and gays. Got it. Nnenna quietly says that Dani is pretty but doesn't look like a model, and that she doesn't expect to see her in the house. I feel like Tyra and the Jays saw that and were like, "Okay."

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America's Next Top Model

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