America's Next Top Model

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Potes: B+ | 545 USERS: C+
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The Fug Boat

And then there's Jennifer, 24, from Walpole, Mass., who says she's a "bah-tendah." Yay, Walpole! My ex is from Walpole, so I know a whole lot about it. Tyra says she likes Jennifer's accent. She might not like it quite as much if, say, she lived in Rhode Island and had to hear it every damn day. But I digress. Jennifer tells us that when she was born, she hemorrhaged in her right eye, and so pretty much has no vision in it. It's no retinitis pigmentosa, but I guess it'll do. Jennifer says that she was teased all through high school, but now she wants to show everybody and say, "Look where I am now." I hate to tell Jennifer, but where she is now is the America's Next Top Model semi-finals.

Next we have Marvita, who walks into the room and just starts crying. She doesn't know why that is, she says, because she never cries. She just slaps a bitch if she's feeling sad. Tyra notes that Marvita's been through a lot in her life, and asks her to tell the whole CW-watching world about it. Marvita says that she was basically passed off from family member to family member, and so always had to adjust to new places and people. She also says that a lot of people did a lot of bad things to her. Tyra says, "Why don't you talk about that." Oy. Marvita kind of shakes her head, and then says that she was molested and raped. Tyra asks Marvita what gives her the strength to stand there before them, and Marvita gives God the credit. She tells us that being in this competition is a walk in the park for her, and she's just chilling. When Marvita leaves, Tyra says that she thinks the camera will love her bone structure. Jay wonders if she's just there to stomp out all the pain. Yeah, the pain that Tyra just inflicted on her. God.

Next, there is Mila. Tyra notes that she heard that Mila is the life of one big party. Smiley Mila says that she likes to celebrate everything, and that she's had a great life so far, so she has no reason not to celebrate. I think "as Marvita : Mila" must be the end of some an SAT analogy somewhere. Tyra asks Mila when the last time was that she cried or was vulnerable and felt hurt. Mila says that she thinks crying is a little bit of a waste of time. I bet Mila was who Victoria was thinking of when she admitted that the other girls were dumb. Mila tells us that she's a really positive person. No! She says that if you focus on the positive, the negative things just go away. So Marvita should just put on a happy face and poof! The rape won't seem so bad after all! Someone should do a study on the correlation between positive attitudes and extremely bulbous heads.

America's Next Top Model

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