America's Next Top Model

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The Fug Boat

Miss Jay asks what category Sara falls into, and Tyra says that she's supposed to be plus, but is on the smaller size. Mr. Jay says that he doesn't see a problem representing women who fall in a normal category. Tyra asks what that would be called, and Mr. Jay says it's "real-size modeling." Tyra says that she's real-sized too and high-fives Mr. Jay. Tyra reminds us that Heather has Asperger's and wants to represent the underdogs. Mr. Jay says that he doesn't see awkwardness or a lack of focus in Heather's photo -- she looks like a model. Tyra points out a great shot of Janet's, and Miss J. says he likes a girl who doesn't need a makeover. Plus he wants a free nut wax. The Jays make fun of Jennifer's accent, but neither of them can do a Boston accent for shit. Miss J. says that Ebony is the original mean girl, and they all agree that she needs a high fashion ass-whoopin'. See, I knew they put some girls on this show just to torture them.

With that, it is time to announce the final thirteen. The girls all stand on a glass plank on top of the pool, which seems quite unsafe. Tyra tells them that the thirteen finalists will be Cinderella stories, and adds, "They'll go from everyday girls in their hometowns to girls that everyone in America will know their name." Uh, [sic]. But of course, only one will be America's Next Top Model. Mila is called first, followed by Bianca. I keep wanting to call her Binaca. Each girl has to walk across a glass runway to Tyra, and it's really amazing that no one falls. Next is Jenah, followed by Chantal, Ambreal, Victoria, Sarah, Saleisha, and Kimberly. Some girls, and particularly Lisa and Jennifer, are already crying. Next is Ebony, who says that Tyra scared her. Binaca rolls her eyes. There are ten girls, and three spots left. The first goes to Janet. She's really excited, and Tyra tells her that she needs a wax, because it's growing back. To be honest with you, I don't like to think about Tyra's pubes. Heather is called, and some of the other girls look surprised. And then, one spot left. Well, it's certainly not going to go to any of those losers we haven't seen at all. Sorry, random plus-size girl in a prom dress! Sorry, girl who looks like a boy! Because it's Lisa who gets picked, and thus saved from a life of giving lap dances in a bikini, at least temporarily. She says this is the happiest day of her life, and she's never had an opportunity like this.

Tyra voices over, "You guys are all special, and I don't want any of you to give up," as if she is actually talking to the seven rejects. She gives them all a hug. Marvita says that when Tyra didn't call her name she was like, "All right, that's cool." She says she didn't cry, when all the other girls were breaking down and acting like punk-asses. She adds, "You're not always going to get what you want." Unless you want to talk about traumatic child events on national TV, in which case Marvita is one step ahead of the curve. Jennifer is really sad, but says that she's not done banging down doors, and it's not over for her. I hate to tell her, but actually, it might be over. Go back to school and become a dental technician or something! All is not lost!

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America's Next Top Model

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