America's Next Top Model

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Potes: B | 1 USERS: A+
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The Fug Boat

Many of the blindfolded girls seem to recognize Miss J. by his voice. He tells them that a top model must be ready to travel anywhere, anytime, and then instructs them to take off their blindfolds and look at their home for the next week. It's a big-ass cruise ship. Instantly I thought of that Dateline or Primetime Live report about how people go missing on cruise ships and are never found, and I got really, really excited. Marvita, 23, from Anchorage, tells us that she was excited when she saw that boat, because she's poor. Just wait until you get some one-on-one time with Kathie Lee, Marvita! Then you can never again say that you're poor in spirit. Heather, 21, from Valparaiso, Indiana, says that she's awestruck, and hopes that she doesn't look like a total idiot around Miss J. When in Rome, I say. Miss J. tells them that at the end of the trip, only 13 will be going into the Top Model house. And of course, despite that "you're all winners" crap that Tyra sometimes likes to spew, there is only one winner. Ebony, 20, from Chicago, says that she honestly doesn't feel like she has any competition. Some of the girls are cute, she admits, but she's fierce and cute too. And, also, has a stank attitude. But we'll get to that later.

The girls board the ship, which is enormous. Mila, 20, from Boston (woo!), says that being America's Next Top Model would be so fun, and she'd be really good at it. Mila would also be really good at being a jack-o-lantern, given her very round head. Miss J. points out that there's a rock-climbing wall, an ice skating rink, several swimming pools, and a mini golf course. Where's the bowling alley? Where's Isaac the bartender? I demand a refund! Miss J. reminds the girls that this isn't a party cruise; it's a competition. Chantal, 19, from Austin, says that she's not worried, because she has something no other girl has. She doesn't know what it is, but there's something. That inspires confidence.

The girls meet Patrick Dukes, the safety officer from the ship. This would be the perfect time to realize that someone is missing. And I mean, for all we know, they could have started out with thirty-five girls. In any case, it's time for a safety briefing! The safety briefing involves Miss J. modeling a life preserver. He tells them that sometimes being a model is all about working whatever you're wearing, and thus the girls are now going to have their first fashion show. Heather tells us that she's terrible at runway. She's also terrible at pronouncing runway, which she says as "wunray." Marvita tells us that she's been through a lot, and is basically homeless, so she's going to do whatever it takes to get into that house. Appearing on a reality show is a good way to get a bed and a hot meal, unless you go on Survivor. Big Brother would be an excellent option, too.

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America's Next Top Model

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