America's Next Top Model

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Potes: B | 1 USERS: A+
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The Fug Boat

The girls walk down the "runway," which is a track of some sort, wearing their clothes plus a life preserver. There are sunbathers on both sides of the wunray, who are actually wishing that they'd gone missing right about now. There is a girl named Spontaniouse, pronounced "spontaneous," who walks with a big bubble butt stuck all out there. Miss J. does an imitation of her. She is 19, from Montgomery, Alabama, and says she can't help her big-ass Alabama butt. Neither can her sisters Impulsiffe and Spurofthemeaument and Thecondommebroke. Victoria, 20, tells us that she worked really hard in high school and got into the top history program at Yale University. But, she adds, she's never modeled before, and she has the fashion sense of a twelve-year-old boy. And, maybe, the face.

Ebony starts crowing about herself, but much of what she says is lost in some sort of weird technical error. I'm sure it's bitchy, though. We do catch the part about her not even having to try because it comes so natural. Heather walks, and she wasn't kidding. She tells us that she has a hump that comes from leaning over the computer. Oh, little Quasimodelo. She adds that she's a complete nerd. J. tells her that she looks like she should be digging up clams. Is that a double entendre? Is she the lesbian of the house? Heather tells us that for the longest time, she didn't believe she was beautiful. In fact, she thought that she was ugly. She says that it's really hard not being comfortable in your own skin. Much more comfortable is being in the skin of others, a la Buffalo Bill. Heather will certainly have the opportunity to objectively assess her looks, because she is going to be on screen ALL THE TIME this season. Take my word. J. rounds the girls up and says that a lot of them need some serious help, but there are also several who are naturally good. He bids them adieu.

And then, it's night. The girls are eating dinner or hanging out or something, and talking about who the final thirteen should be. One girl says she wants to see Heather in the house, and if she'd just learn to sit up straight, she'd be good. Lisa, 20, from Jersey City, says that Heather has intense eyes and a great face, but she walks all hunched over. Heather tells the other girls that she needs some help, and is gangly and awkward. She has a great head of hair, though. Ebony says that she calls Heather "hunchback," and adds that she has insecurity problems. I'm sure her insecurity has nothing to do with people calling her nasty names. Ebony doesn't think that Heather's going to do well. Ebony is so wrong, I can't even tell you.

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America's Next Top Model

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