America's Next Top Model

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The Fug Boat

Meanwhile, the girls ice skate! And hurl chunks of ice at each other! Fun times on a cruise ship. Chantal says that there are a lot of girls there who are really fun and can really bring it, and she's interested to see who her true competition is.

Next is Lisa, 20, from Jersey City. She comes in with a kid picture of herself to show how awkward and dorky she was. Not to be outdone, Tyra tells us all about how SHE was really awkward and dorky as a kid, and we see the same picture she shows every time she says that, with her sitting on a wall and her skinny-ass legs and big feet hanging over it. Lisa tells us that she was in foster care for six years, and has seen every kind of hurt. Tyra drags out of Lisa the fact that she's an exotic dancer, but not one who shows her boobies, because she wears a bikini. I bet she'd make a lot more money if she took the bikini off. Back with the other girls, Lisa talks about how nervous she was in her interview. One of the girls asks if she's really a stripper, and Lisa says she is, and then gives Saleisha a lap dance. Spontaniouse is not amused, and thinks it's nasty. Lisa kind of looks like Debbie Allen in Fame, if Debbie Allen in Fame were a bikini stripper.

Next is Bianca, 18, from Queens. She wants to stick it to all the people who called her a giraffe back in the day. Bianca has a theory about bitches, which is that there are two kinds: (1) the fun bitch, and (2) the bitchy bitch. She might have a point there. Jay asks who the bitchy bitch of the semi-finals is, and Bianca wastes no time in saying that it's Ebony. She says that Ebony acts all bougie, and told the other girls that she had a $500 weave. Ebony doesn't really have any kind of a $500 weave if you ask me, but Bianca nevertheless says that it's good. By contrast, Bianca has a $25 weave. Maybe some weave shops have a sliding scale?

Then we have Kimberly, 20, from Ocala, Florida, the horse capital of the world. She brings Tyra a little ceramic horse from her hometown, and Tyra actually looks disgusted. Kimberly says that she had a great upbringing, and that her parents are still together. Yeah, Kimberly doesn't have a chance in hell. Kimberly likes to scream and yell when she gets frustrated, and thinks her sense of humor will set her apart from the other girls. She loves to make people laugh. Tyra doesn't seem that crazy about her, but Jay loves her.

And then, Ebony, the bitch's bitch. She tells Tyra that she might as well stop looking, because America's Next Top Model is standing right in front of her. Tyra tells Ebony that a lot of the other girls already hate her stank ass. Ebony says that's because she's fierce, and they're jealous, and she adds that she's from the hood and you can't be nice all the time or you'll get walked over. Oh, you can see her bitchy exterior about to crack with just one bat of Tyra's false eyelashes. Ebony tells us that she's not there to make friends; she's there to be America's Next Top Model and take what's hers. Tyra then goes in for the kill and asks who's walked all over Ebony. Ebony says her first boyfriend treated her bad. Tyra grabs Ebony by the jugular and asks about her parents. Ebony says that her mom was a crack addict. Tyra asks how it felt to have a mom on drugs. Ebony says that her grandmother raised her and really saved her life. Ebony is the first of her sisters to graduate high school or go to college. So she thinks her grandma is an angel, and she also just passed away. Tyra becomes Typrah Winbanks for a moment and says that Ebony knows where her pain comes from and why she lashes out at other people. She adds that she's not judging her for this, and that everyone has a reason why they are the way they are. Ebony tells us that she has two personalities -- she can be nice, but then will turn into a bitch in no time. Jay says that there are some people who just have a black heart, but he doesn't think Ebony's one of them. Ebony talks to another girl in the stairwell and says that it made her feel bad when Tyra told her that nobody liked her. The other girl says that Ebony comes off really hard with people, and that when pretty girls have stanky attitudes, it irks her.

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America's Next Top Model

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