This week's show is all about runway and rock climbing, which I find to be a refreshing alternative to face tumors and stillborn babies. The girls enter what appears to be a really spooky building brimming with the supernatural, and learn that they are actually in Nurse J.'s Fashion Madhouse. Sadly, there are no ghosts. But the girls do get a walking lesson as they outfit themselves in straitjackets and heels and prance down a deserted hall that was once inhabited by mental patients (insert Vincent Price "Thriller" laugh here). Bianca, unsurprisingly, feels quite at home in her straitjacket. Speaking of Bianca, she really is having trouble making friends as she and Saleisha, who is this week's Lisa, get into a weird fight that has its origin in Saleisha being a little annoying about all the modeling experience she has. Bianca calls Saleisha borderline plus-size and tells her to check out her thighs in the mirror, which is really the perfect ending to any argument. Look for Hillary Clinton to swipe this in the democratic presidential debates. Roy Campbell of fabulous ghetto fashion shows past and designer Colleen Quen lead the girls through their challenge -- a real live couture fashion show! With an actual audience! That isn't composed of shoppers from the Salvation Army! Saleisha is declared the winner, and gets to walk the runway in Colleen Quen's debut Paris fashion week show. Bianca is FUMING. The photo shoot for the week involves a rock-climbing wall, edgy makeup, and lots of leggings. Heather impresses everyone, as does Jenah. Ebony still has trouble getting her groove, and Bianca impresses Tyra but not the rest of the judges. She lands in the final two along with Kimberly, who anyone who has seen this show twice could tell was going home within the first minute of the episode. Kimberly has only the fact that Tyra has a weird fetish about her ears to get her through the long, dark night of being the second girl booted. Meanwhile, Victoria is totally gunning for Twiggy, and the judges know it.
Previously on America's Next Top Model: "Bianca and Lisa proved to be volatile women." Wow, Tyra has perfected the art of understatement. Heather came to the house with model potential and Asperger's, which, in case you haven't heard, is a mild form of autism. The photo shoot was rife with stillborn babies and face tumors, which taught us that smoking is bad, and that sometimes makeup artists put their talents to ill use. And Mila went home and tested out her theory that crying is a waste of time. One dozen bitches remain!
And before I go into the recap, I just want to say thanks so much to everyone who has written to express their condolences about Miss Itty's passing. It will please you to know that she has apparently been reincarnated as Bianca.
On the deck, the girls practice their walks overlooking Los Angeles. Kimberly asks Bianca to critique her honestly. Have you met Bianca, sweetie? Because the "honestly" is kind of superfluous. As is the "critique." Kimberly tells us that she's from Ocala, Florida, a small town revered for its churches and horse crap. She thinks she has what it takes to be a top model. Cut to Bianca giving her walking tips, then telling us that she gave Kimberly bad tips. She doesn't think that's being a bad friend, she says. No, in fact, it's not being a friend at all. Still, it made me enjoy Bianca just a little and think there's some truth to the claim that she's a fun bitch. Bianca says it's a competition, and she has to remember why she's here. Kimberly says that the walk doesn't feel right, and Bianca just laughs and tells her it was good.
Inside, some of the girls, including Saleisha, Chantal, and Ebony, are giving Heather a makeover. Heather interviews that at first, she was afraid that the other girls would look down on her because she has a disability. She must have seen the first episode, eh? Saleisha interviews that even though this is a competition, she doesn't want to be a bitch or act rude to any of the other girls, because that's not her personality. So, she says, she was helping some of the girls with what they were wearing. Bianca enters and yells, "What are y'all doing to her? Now she's just a prostitute." I wouldn't go that far, but I would maybe say that she's nearing the Whoreville County Line. Bianca interviews that Heather's disability gives her a leg up. She says that Heather gets a pity call from everyone, and she doesn't know if Heather deserves it. This might actually be a little bit true. See, Bianca seems like a crazy bitch, but if you listen closely and filter out the bile, there are some nuggets of wisdom in her rantings.
Tyra Mail! "I want a top model that has her stuff together. But for now, you can all go crazy. Love, Tyra." Chantal goes, "...Makeovers?" If only.