America's Next Top Model

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Rock-a-Bye Bitches

Back on the patio, Ebony says that she doesn't think you can teach a person to walk -- you either have it or you don't. I think that that's a little true as well. It's like rhythm -- either you have it, or you dance like a fool for your entire life and clap off-beat. Saleisha doesn't think it's true, though. Bianca says that she has her signature walk, and she's not going to change it. Saleisha interrupts to say that sometimes a person's signature walk HAS TO CHANGE. If it's done nothing else in its time on this planet, Top Model has at the very least gotten "signature walk" into the OED. Bianca does interject that she's not going to be anywhere like Camille, but Saleisha talks over her and says that if you can't change your signature walk to suit a client, the client won't book you. Bianca interviews that Saleisha's annoying because she's always talking about everything she's done in her life. And you know Bianca's right about this one -- I'm sure it's "T-Zone camp" this, "T-Zone camp" that, "I was touched by the golden finger of Tyra and I didn't even care where that finger had been," et cetera. Saleisha just seems a little know-it-all-ish. Bianca hopes she doesn't get far in the competition. She says that may be mean of her, but it's the truth.

The girls head to an old building that has a sign outside reading "Fashion Madhouse." They head up to a room that sort of looks like a haunted house. Or, rather, an abandoned hospital room that has now become a storage space for dry ice. A straitjacketed silhouette kind of bumps around in the doorway and roars, and then Miss J. comes out in full nurse regalia and beehive. Bitch totally tripped Amy Winehouse on the street and yanked that out of her head. Bianca says she was scared for her life. Well, I don't know about that. Sarah says that she'd love to have Miss J. as a nurse. That would be great if you want your caretaker to tell you that you're one broken-down rag doll of a transplant patient. Miss J. says that he's there today to cure the girls of their fashion ailments. Yes, it's runway coaching! Miss J. says that, as always, with him there's a reason and method to his madness. I have been watching this show for many a year, and I can assure you that there is, in fact, actually no method to his madness. The madness this time involves the girls walking in straitjackets and heels. Bianca is all, "Oh yeah, you guys, the tie goes in the back. Trust me." Kimberly takes a moment to recognize the trauma of people who actually have to wear straitjackets made of such rough material. Maybe they can get Old Navy to donate some 100% cotton sweatshop-manufactured straitjackets for next season? In any case, the point of the whole thing is that sometimes in couture shows, you have to wear some crazy-ass shit in which you can't really move.

Victoria walks first, and reminds us that she got into the top history program at Yale University but can't walk down the runway. Yale blah nerd blah history blah what's this "fashion" everybody's talking about blah. Jenah says that being bound in a tight space freaks her out. She seems to do okay nonetheless. Sarah seems particularly terrible. I think her jeans are too tight. Miss J. does an impression of Heather walking, and Heather's reaction in an interview is, "Just shoot me now and send me home." Don't let Bianca hear you say that! She's very literal. Miss J. thinks there's something sexy about Janet. That's because she looks like a fifteen-year old boy. Kimberly says that walking in a straitjacket is more of a challenge than it appears. Miss J. advises in his customary articulate manner, "Remember, you girls, your job is to just bring anything you have on alive." Ambreal and Ebony look pretty good. Chantal needs to be stronger and harder. Sometimes I think Miss J. just forgets where he is when he starts yelling things like, "Stronger! Harder!"

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America's Next Top Model

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