America's Next Top Model

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Rock-a-Bye Bitches

Hey, it's Jaslene! She hosts Cover Girl TV in Miami, and from the tiny bits of clips we see, she's in full Jaslene screaming queen mode. And really, when it comes down to it, I don't think I'd want her to be any other way.

We return to Tyra Mail: "You wanna be on TOP? It's time to learn the ropes of high fashion. Love, Tyra." Jenah says that she's excited, because she loves to climb and hang off of stuff. Everyone should have a hobby. The girls meet Jay, who's standing in front of a rock-climbing wall. Woo! The girls will be up on ropes, climbing the wall, in high-fashion gowns with edgy editorial hair and makeup. Rock-climbing and high-fashion gowns? WHAT EVER WILL THEY THINK OF NEXT???? The photographer is Matthew Jordan Smith, who is on, like, every season. We get a brief glimpse backstage of Sutan, makeup artist, and Christian Marc, hair stylist. Hey, guys!

Lisa is first, and she doesn't want Jay to know that she's afraid of heights. When she finally mentions it well into the shoot, Matthew and Jay say she's doing great. Her legs go everywhere like a daddy longlegs. Janet is next. She says there's a part of her that's really in touch with the industry, but it's also more difficult than she expected. And then there's Saleisha. She says, "Some of these girls have never been on a photo shoot before and I have." I don't necessarily think she means to come off as a know it all, but her tone is just so annoying. Jay tells her she looks a little too pose-y, and it feels like she's giving model on a wire. She then relaxes a little and hangs backwards, which Jay likes. Saleisha then says, "I really, really think it's going to turn out good. I'm sure it is." Oh, can it, Tyra Jr.

Saleisha's nemesis, Bianca, is next. Jay tells her that she has to take the creativity of the shoot to the next level. Bianca starts off rough, but she thinks she got a few good shots and hopes the other girls will do worse. See, Bianca just says what every other girl is thinking. Victoria tells us that she never thought she'd get to the final thirteen, but now that she has, she has to bring her super-nerdy skills to fashion modeling. I really can't stand how she always says "fashion modeling." Seriously, it's driving me nuts. Victoria always looks like such crap in her interviews, but with makeup and a little hair work, she's pretty stunning. Jay asks what she was thinking about during the shoot, and she says she felt like a sea nymph on acid scaling a wall in the sunshine. God, try being original. Ambreal has disgustingly fabulous body language according to Jay, who asks her to give him more in the face. Chantal is next and looks super-gangly. She says it's hard to figure out how to control all of your body at the same time. That's why so many people have a wonky, twitchy eye. Ebony still has no clue what she's doing. She tells us that people expect so much of her because, on the exterior, she looks like a model, but when she gets out there, she's horrible. Aww, see, she really doesn't have a black heart at all! I wish I could say the same for her touch of delusion. Sarah gets pretty much no coverage, which I guess is to be expected.

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America's Next Top Model

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