America's Next Top Model
The Girls Go to Jamaica

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Dance Hall Days

The girls arrive at the lovely Half Moon resort, where there is a steel drum band and dancers waiting for them. Tyra slinks out in a teeny tiny mini dress to welcome them to their new home. She says that she shot her very first swimsuit calendar in Jamaica, which is why she chose to bring the models there. If there's one thing I've learned after nineteen seasons of Top Model, it's that everything is a tribute to Tyra. Do you think Tyra is the prime minister of Jamaica now? Or that her swimsuit calendar shots are used on Jamaican currency? She's clearly a very important historical and cultural figure for the country!

Tyra and the girls dance around with the band for a while, and Victoria says that all of the other stuff that's going on -- e.g. her mental breakdown -- is on the backburner for now. She reminds us that she's won best photo, and is a strong contender in the competition, and adds that you can be the "weird one" and still be America's Next Top Model. Meanwhile, Korey and Kiara do the limbo together. That is not a euphemism. Though Kiara hasn't previously thought of Jamaica as a very romantic place, the sun and sand and testosterone and wafting fragrance of weed is starting to get her in the mood. The girls explore their lovely villa, including the brand new fancy Tyra Suite. Leila chooses to room with Kiara and Nastasia. Oh, poor Victoria, having to room with Laura and Kristin! Maybe she'll just go curl up under the kitchen sink or something.

At dinner, Tyra asks the male models what they're going to show her girls, and Korey says that the whole island is celebrating Jamaica's 50th year of independence from the British. Are they doing so by hosting flags featuring Tyra in a bikini? Tyra then imparts some modeling philosophy, saying that every model is either a smizer or toocher -- e.g., strong with her face, or strong with her body. The very top girls can do both. Victoria thinks that she's both a smizer and a toocher, but has to work on being less theatrical. Tyra quickly calls Victoria a toocher, and says that she needs to smize with her eyes. Translated that means that she has to smile with her eyes with her eyes. Nastasia asks what Tyra would do body-wise in a shoot that calls for sex appeal, and Tyra wastes no time in saying, "Pop a hip. Side tooch." She then demonstrates the side tooch in the least sexy way possible, and in fact looks quite like a zombie. Kiara asks if she's a smizer, and Tyra says that she is, and needs to work on the body. Korey interrupts to say that Kiara smized and made him lose his words for a bit. Kiara gets very giggly, and I wonder if this is going to turn into one of those "How Stella got her groove back with a guy who was secretly gay all along" type of situations.

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America's Next Top Model

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