America's Next Top Model
The Girls Go To Phuket

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Go-sees? Ah, Phuket.

Tyra Mail! "Does this competition ever get so difficult that you want to say 'Phuket?'" Oooh, a risqué Tyra mail! What kind of a trend is this? Soon they'll just read, "Push, push, in the bush! Lez be friends. My place, 9:00. --Tyra." Danielle explains that, rather than sounding like the f-word, the proper pronunciation of Phuket is "Poo-ket." Sara looks up Phuket in her book about Thailand and discovers that it is known for it's diving and snorkeling. This is cause for celebration. Joanie says that Phuket is, "like the best tropical location ever," and says that it's like the Miami Beach or Rio de Janeiro of Asia. The girls once again fly graphically in their purple-winged Top Model plane, looking fierce through the windows as they suck on the holey ice cubes.

Once they arrive, Sara says that she had a really bad day on the go-sees, but in Phuket the stresses of the competition disappeared for the time being. I hear that, because I also always find that being in a setting in which a global tragedy occurred is just as good as a deep tissue massage. Jade says that she's dying to go to the ocean, because the water and Jade mix. Atlantis is all, "You can't pawn her on us that easily."

The girls arrive at their villa, which is customarily gorgeous and near the ocean. Danielle says that it's the most beautiful place she's ever been in her life and she doesn't want to leave. Sara says that she can't believe the competition is going to be over in a week. She also interviews that everything there is wild, and that she needs to show how much she wants it. The girls talk about how Sara's destiny was sealed by that fateful visit to the mall. Or, as we will soon learn, not so much. Then all of a sudden, Ninja Stealth Bitch Joanie reemerges and interviews that she feels very annoyed with Sara because modeling isn't her passion. Joanie says to Danielle that Sara was very close to being a lawyer, and interviews that if Sara hadn't have been picked out in a mall, she wouldn't be there. And she wouldn't have been scouted in a mall if she weren't really tall and pretty, which really makes her a lot more deserving than some of the other fug bastards we've seen this season. I don't see what the problem is.

Joanie says that she feels like a bitch, but the girls are competing for something that will change their lives. She doesn't say it in a very articulate manner, however, which leads me to think that Joanie might be drunk, or at least high on painkillers to address her recurring phantom snaggle syndrome. And just as Joanie starts to slide down the scale of bitchery, in swoops Danielle to remind you that someone in this competition is awesome. She says, "I can't focus on her situation, I have to do me, so brush it off and keep going." Danielle is not about the trash talk. Joanie then says that this whole issue hit her now because, "[Sara] copies off of me." If you want to sound like you're in the third grade, that particular phrase is an excellent starting point. Joanie says that she's going to start doing things wrong on purpose. Oh, please do. Joanie still doesn't think that Sara should be there. I expect, "Go back to the District of Columbia if it's so great," to be carelessly tossed out, but instead we head to commercials.

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America's Next Top Model

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