America's Next Top Model
The Girls Meet Taye Diggs

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Turning Japanese

SOM: [thinking "umeboshi is delicious"] And it won't clog your pores either.
HFM: [silently adding "like cupcakes"] Perfection in a bottle!
SOM: [thinking "Taye Diggs is perfection in a bottle"] You bet!

Tokyo! It's New York to the tenth power! We are treated once again to Yaya spitting out the umeboshi. She says that she felt like she was going to gag, and that spitting it out was a reaction because she was going to throw up. Lies. She says that respect is a big thing in Japan. Oh, the irony of respeito! Janice asks her what the umeboshi tastes like, and Yaya says, "Like nothing I've ever tasted before." Tyra dismisses Yaya.

The girls go before the panel with both of their commercials. Mr. Yoshie laughs at Eva. Janice says that Eva is a Campbell's Soup rap star, which makes no sense. Tyra says that Eva couldn't even get the English right in the Campbell's commercial. They think that she did a bit better shilling umeboshi. Nigel says that she is beautiful and photographs well, and Tyra says that Eva's voice is great for selling products. Next is Ann. Ann looks proud as she watches her commercial. The judges still criticize her for the way that she holds her face. Nigel and Mr. Yoshie both were impressed by Ann. Tyra says that Norelle sounded good with the English, but was awful with the Japanese. Janice agrees that Norelle did not deliver the lines. The judges think that she was radiant, bubbly, and fun during the umeboshi commercial. Next is Amanda, who says that she looked like a pair of ears on an onion in the Campbell's commercial. The judges think that she had no passion during the commercial.

Next is Yaya, who spoke unbearably slowly in Japanese. Janice says that her commercial was so loooooong and then flops her head down on the table. Nigel says it sounds like she was speaking in Morse code, but that she looked fantastic. The judges tell Yaya that spitting out the umeboshi was bad form and insulting to all of Japan. Yaya says that she's sorry in a way that illustrates how actually not sorry she is. Man, do I hate her.

And then, crap-ass fake bit number 617 of Cycle Three. Tyra says that it's time for the judges to deliberate. The other judges indicate that Tyra has forgotten about Nicole. Tyra -- who has apparently received formal training at the Cover Girl Beauty Tip of the Week acting academy -- goes, "Oh, oh. Sorry. I'm sorry. Oh, there you are behind Yaya." Girl, please. Nicole looks mildly pissed. She gets mixed reviews from the judges. Tyra says, "It's almost like I didn't remember when you finished." Yeah, it's almost exactly like that. The remaining living member of Milli Vanilli then comes out and sings "Ave Maria" flawlessly, just to underscore that when UPN says "reality," they mean nothing of the sort.

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America's Next Top Model

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