America's Next Top Model
The Girls The Lionesses Are Hunting

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Janice first gives Michelle a big flowery-looking thing, and tells her to project anger. Michelle says, "Just anytime?" Janice, with full sarcasm, says, "No. Wait an hour." And this is only the beginning, my friends, for Miss Dickinson is in rare form tonight. Montage of the flowery-thing anger pose. Next, the girls must express fear while holding a bongo. The next word is "aloof." And here is where we get our weekly reminder that, no matter how much the show tries to get us to relate to them, models are still dumb. "What is aloof?" asks a clearly confused Kahlen. "Can I have a hint?" asks Michelle. "Aloof?" says Brittany. "I can't ask what aloof is?" "No," says Janice. Keenyah, Naima, and Christina do the pose, though in Christina's case I think she's just guessing at what "aloof" means and relying on the fact that all of her expressions look the same. Way to make your limitations work for you, crazy eyes. The next expression is passion, with an African mask. The judges make fun of the girls pretty much the whole time, and Janice strikes at least one priceless facial expression, which is a particular surprise, since I figured her face and the various nerves within had been completely deadened from one procedure or another. The girls must emote happiness with a big leafy shield-looking thing. The judges laugh at how ridiculous the girls look.

Now the evaluations. Nigel says that Michelle did best with "fear," and pretty much looked afraid during the whole test. The judges are impressed with her photo. Nigel notes that she pulled off passion and lust with an alligator between her legs. Well, if that's what he wants to call it. Tyra says she likes the photo but doesn't love it, and Janice yells that it's not good enough. She says that Michelle was born with beautiful looks, but that it takes a hell of a lot more than that to make it. Michelle looks like she's going to cry. I have to say that I think her photo looks pretty great, though she is of course still a crazy mess in person. Naima did well on the test, though Gerta didn't think she projected passion well. The judges ask her to do it again, and she smolders for them. Tyra notes that the face got ugly at the end as Naima did a bit of an Elvis lip. Naima laughs. For her photo, she gets pretty good reviews, though Janice and Nolé think she could have used her body better. Gerta says that Naima was the one model who really used her limbs like an animal, which was brilliant.

Keenyah was a bit stiff and didn't move during her test, and she was the same on "aloof" and "passion." Nigel loves Keenyah's photo and says that it has an elegance that elephants themselves have despite their size. Tyra says that they had to do a lot of body retouching on Keenyah's shot. Keenyah gets a little defensive and starts to explain her eating habits, and Janice yells, "Stop! If you're sporting a gut, then you turn to the side and disguise it." Tyra says that though Keenyah is a thin girl in the real world, the fashion industry is extreme, despite Tyra's efforts to make the saying "Fat is where it's at" stick. Tyra says that it comes down to choices and that she, herself, will make it work when she has to. She says that now she can (and does, we all might add) eat whatever the hell she wants to because she's paid her dues and earned the right to retouching. Janice says that she's seen Tyra eating burgers. Tyra says she does and then -- get ready for it -- Janice points to Tyra with a mild sneer of disgust and just says, "She eats those...ribs." And though I would love it, I totally don't think this is a shout-out. Rather, I think that Janice and I have achieved some scary sort of mind meld, which is much more exciting and also a little bit terrifying.

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America's Next Top Model

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