America's Next Top Model

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Reality Television Pseudo-Fame Costs

Tyra first teaches the girls a sexy walk. It's like a runway walk, but sexier. Wait, wait, this is all too complicated for me! I don't know if I can keep up. Tyra tells the girls to have more eye penetration. This will be particularly difficult for Heather, who so far has only had eye oral. Tyra also tells the girls to look angrier and lift their knees a little higher. The whole group walks across the room sexily, angrily, and with eye penetration. It is kind of like a Beyoncé video, I have to say. The next lesson is how to look sweet and coy, because sometimes in a video, the camera represents a boyfriend or a husband. What if you've been hired for a Melissa Etheridge video? Close enough, I guess. Tyra flirts for the mirror and says, "Stop! And hide! And go away!" I do that every week in front of the TV when this show is on. I guess I should replace my "rage" with "coyness." Chantal is a little too posey, and Tyra says that her man would think she's conceited. At the point of coy looks, Chantal's man would already know she's conceited. The girls all stand in front of the mirrors and coo and rub their own arms. It's kind of weird. Ambreal tells us that she has to work hard at being coy to prove herself. Ho hum.

Next, the girls learn the wall slide. This is when a girl sliiiiiiiiiides down the waaaaaaaaaall. But, lest you are concerned, the girls aren't doing the hoochie music video slide. Well, Tyra is, but just to demonstrate. They're doing the model slide, which is the same thing, except your legs are closed and your arms are up. Those are crucial differences. Jenah interviews that flirting and being sexy and controlling your body all at the same time is all pretty hard. Thank God the human race doesn't have to do an actual mating dance. Or, I guess I should say, that the Lambada craze was short-lived. The girls slide down the wall, and Tyra evaluates. Heather looks possessed rather than sexy. That seems like kind of a usual state for her. Lisa thinks she has sexy down, but then actually doesn't have enough leg strength to push herself back up once she reaches the nadir of her slide. She's like the Mr. Burns of video hos. Tyra says that this is a lesson to us all that even if you're modeling, it doesn't mean you're in shape. Yeah, because previously we all thought that models were the picture of health.

The girls then put on some knee pads and learn how to crawl along the floor. Here's a tip for you at home: act like you're cleaning the floors with your knees. Sex-ay! Someone should slap a Swiffer on those kneepads and begin a career as a millionaire inventor. You could market it to the busy, sexy woman who doesn't think she has time to both practice her music-video crawl AND clean her house. I'll take two! This should leave me with a bit of extra time to learn the proper wall slide technique, which should come in handy in staff meetings. Tyra tells us that the crawl is strong, not coy. The girls get evaluated on their crawls. Chantal looks like Quasimodo when she crawls, which I guess might work for a Céline Dion video. Maybe this means she is also the deaf one? And speaking of Céline, did you guys see the Oprah with Céline on it? I cried, like, three times. Twice because of the touching moments about fathers who have passed away, and once when Céline sang her cover of Heart's "Alone." I mean, it didn't take away my love for Céline, but I did have to push the mute button for a minute there. I had an ex who came up with the brilliant idea that Céline Dion should do an album of all Journey covers. Close your eyes and imagine it for a minute, then join my letter-writing campaign. "So now I cooooome to youuuuuu with ooooopen aaaaarms...nothing to hide, believe what I say [chest thump]." The world would collapse in upon itself, it would be so perfect.

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America's Next Top Model

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