America's Next Top Model
The Girls Who Get Really Naked

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Further Teachings From The Book Of Robin

We're packing up from Paris. Adrianne tells us that she "loved Paris," while Robin shares, "Paris has left a bittersweet taste in my mouth." Wrong. Not an expression. So it's a good thing she takes some time and is really thoughtful in articulating her parting shot from Paris: "France is gorgeous. But my experiences in France, they weren't the most happiest [sic]." Sigh. I...sigh. A stock footage plane we're supposed to believe they're on takes off, and we're back in New York City, with its Milan Room that all four of the girls now need to live in. The forwarding address seems to have worked, for there's a Tyra Mail! Tyra Mail! waiting for them, reading, "Welcome back...tomorrow, three of you will continue on to become America's Next Top Model. One of you will be eliminated." They all sound amazed that the elimination is the following day, but the Tyra Mail! Tyra Mail! never lies, and...Robin, what's with all the unpacking?

And, just like that, we're back in the elimination room. Prizes reminded and judges introduced, Tyra turns her attention to this week's guest judge, who is...ACK! It's the glamorous Derek Khan, but what the hell happened to him? I liked him better when he was bedecked in fur and pointing at windows, not freshly back from a tribal head-shrinking ritual with the Crypt Keeper. Gah. Don't go emailing me some note that's all, "Dude, he looks like that because he's dying." Because I beg to differ. For he is already dead.

Small Head Todd administers the challenge, giving them ten minutes to run to their room (is the elimination room in the hotel? I'm so freaked out) and accessorize themselves in a whole bunch of couture he's left out for them. Elyse is first in, entering the room in a dress that's firmly on the ROY side of the ROY G. BIV scale, very bright and colorful and billowy on the bottom. Tyra notes that she looks "fabulous," and she's complimented across the board. Her nude photo is next, and Tyra tells her that she has a "booty" that is "big" and "juicy," which causes The Shriveled Voodoo Head Of The Once Fabulous Derek Khan to put on its glasses, which are now a novelty-Spencer-Gifts-type of too big on his head, considering the recent tribal shrinkage. Anyway, he notes with some shock, "She looks fat in that picture!" which is definitely the top review you could offer to the girl the show keeps telling us has an eating disorder.

Shannon is next, and her Halloween costume is "Dressed for the future at the 1928 World Fair." Right away, Tyra chides her for failing to pull her hair back, and Shannon tells her that she ran out of time. Moving on, Tyra asks why they can't seem to find her photo anywhere, and Shannon grandstands that she never wants to pose nude. Janice, whose hair is pushed so far to one side of her head it appears as if she's going to tip over and probably not even notice, snipes, "You might as well go work in a car factory or a bakery." Tyra interjects, explaining that she won't pose nude, but that she will simulate it. Janice has no idea what a "car factory" or a "bakery" is.

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America's Next Top Model

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