America's Next Top Model
The Girls Who Get Really Naked

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Further Teachings From The Book Of Robin

Adrianne is up next, wearing a long black dress and nothing underneath. The Shriveled Voodoo Head Of The Once Fabulous Derek Khan throws her a rose to the endless entertainment of the rest of the panel, but it's kind of a bittersweet taste in my mouth because I know they're only humoring him because they know he's dying. Adrianne's photo is, according to Janice, "exquisite." Baby Phat thinks she photographs beautifully, but says she's sometimes too "buff" for her. But then again, in my perception of Season 1, Baby Phat doesn't really exist, so let's pretend she's not there and replace her in our minds with something prettier. May I suggest ponies?

It's Robin! And she looks like Blossom! Just as a sidebar, do you know how gratifying it is that if you Google the words "and she looks like Blossom," it brings up one of my recaps? Is that an impressive enough achievement for a headstone? What if you add the words, "Devoted son and..." before it?

Anyway. It is Robin. And she does look like Blossom. So take off the effing hat. Tyra asks Robin why there's no picture for her, and they let her speech on that "my body is mine. I just didn't think that that is what I needed to do to get ahead." But Tyra's right there with the zinger, telling her that she doesn't understand why Robin would say no to a nude shoot, but would say yes to shaking her chest at Jay. Robin tries to pretend that she just opened the curtain for a second, but Tyra takes her there on the definition of what is "is," shouting, "Jiggle, shimmy, I saw them go up and down." Janice calls out, "Where was your Bible when you were shaking your titties?" Does she say "titties"? I really think she does.

And, they're back. And who is still in the running toward becoming America's Next Top Model? Elyse. And Adrianne. Yeah, no crapping crappity-crap. Shannon and Robin, please do us the honors. Tyra admires Robin's faith and her strength, but "human is beautiful, perfect is boring." And Shannon is pretty, but a little "too commercial." Anyway, see you later, Robin. Robin smiles her best pageant smile and takes leave of the room without more than a wave of a goodbye to the other girls. Back in Milan, she tells us that she had "a chance to show a variation of beauty." She puts on her giraffe of a fur coat and fades from the Photoshopped picture, all of which requires a really good modem.

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America's Next Top Model

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