America's Next Top Model
The Girls Who Get Really Naked

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Further Teachings From The Book Of Robin

Back downstairs (?) at the Algonquin Square Card Table, Adrianne waxes philosophical -- which is seriously the last thing any aspiring model should bother waxing -- "I believe in a higher power. I don't believe that higher power asks you to sacrifice your every damn moment for him." She continues on in a confessional that she does believe in God, adding, "I'm just not psychotic about it." Back at the table, Adrianne continues to sport French high fashion by wearing her signature version of the white Hermes scarf, decked out in her camouflage headband and -- holy living mother of Tyra, what happened to Adrianne's head? Oh, there it is -- and complains that Robin rolls her eyes when Adrianne prays. But, honestly, if I'm God (just go with me for a second), I'd probably hear that voice lift up to the heavens and before I even heard the words it was saying, I'd be all, "I'll bet this is another one praying for better corn dogs at Wrigley and for Ditka to run for President. Got it." I'm just saying that, as God, I'm rolling my eyes too, a little. Elyse responds that she feels as if "half the house is under control of Robin, and our half is under the control of the devil." The devil goes by many names, Elyse. And "Robin" is one of them. And, apparently, "devil" is another. "Things would have definitely sucked if my closest ally in the house had been eliminated," Elyse confessionalizes. "I'm really, really glad that Adrianne stayed on." One final shot of The Brigadoon Lunchroom finds Elyse and Adrianne high-fiving and Adrianne announcing, "Boo-yah!" I do believe that the higher power would probably ask her not to do that.

And now, for another rollicking episode of Indulging Dilettante Fantasies I: Smile, You're On Candid Tyra. Which, to be honest, was a better gambit overall than Indulging Dilettante Fantasies II: Falling On Deaf Ears, Or Ears That Wish They Were during the second season. I can only guess what Miss Tah-ra will try her hand at in Season 3, now that photography and singing are off the list. Maybe she'll paint them all in a Last Supper kind of thing, with herself in the Jesus role and her disciples all around her. Anyway, we land at an undisclosed location on a balcony in, let's say, France, where we find Tyra doing each of the girls' makeup and confessionalizing to us, "I've been photographed by every top photographer in the world. And I've taken pointers from every one of them. That's why I decided to shoot the girls myself." Out on a balcony overlooking such decidedly European architecture as a few low shanties and a grey fa├žade whose only flair comes from the letters spelling out "Fuji Film" (hell of an eye for location scouting, Miss Photographer), Tyra shoots each of the girls in black-and-white. Tyra tells us that while she was photographing each of them, she started to feel that the girls understood "the possibility of becoming a major star." Or, in Robin's case, becoming an even more major pain-in-the-ass: "What comes with this is power," she tells us. "The right person could use this as a modem to touch people. To make change." And I seriously didn't even know where to put the sic in that sentiment, since there isn't anything grammatically wrong with it. FOR ONCE. But...modem? You guys, I swear that's exactly what she says. "Use this as a modem," which makes as much contextual sense as saying "use this as a kumquat" or "use this as a subatomic particle" or "use this as a marching band." Did she mean "mode," perhaps? "Method"? Whatever it is, Robin. Don't use it to touch people. And don't touch me at all.

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America's Next Top Model




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