America's Next Top Model
The Girls Who Get Really Naked

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Further Teachings From The Book Of Robin

Carven! Never heard of it? ["Isn't that where the Fudgy the Whale cakes come from? And if so, why is Elyse there?" -- Wing Chun] Tyra, in a confessional in which she's bedecked in an outfit that would indicate she's going straight from this taping to her audition for the Los Angeles stage production of Newsies (hopefully still starring Christian Bale and hopefully not featuring a "with additional music" credit that demands that any of those boys "Shake Ya Body" to get that crusty old Joe Pulitzer off their backs), explains Carven as "the oldest couture house in all of Paris." The girls walk into an enormous store that covers several acres over two floors, where they note ridiculously flashy couture featuring a confounding amount of frills, jewels, and feathers, the cumulative effect making it look like the entire GDP of a small nation was put in a cage match with an ostrich inside a diamond mine and the ostrich did not win. Tyra enters wearing a black suit, chic sunglasses, and pulled-back hair on her way to callbacks for The Matrix IV: Please Take Me Seriously As An Actress, Dammit, and immediately goes into her stump speech: "As you know, Paris is the fashion capital of the world" -- until the next season, when Milan totally was -- "and the fashion capital of couture modeling." She continues on that the centerpiece of the couture look is the "chignon," which is basically pulling the hair back into a bun. You know who rocked the high-fashion chignon? Alice from The Brady Bunch. In an overdub so obvious it looks like it was orchestrated by Ed Wood after losing some aged star during filming, we see the back of Tyra's head while a totally unmatching vocal clip tells them, except not, "Tomorrow, you'll be tested on your ability to carry yourself in a couture situation." But first, today, we will meet "Pascal Millet," who is the creative director of Carven Paris, which means he waves his right arm in disgust several hundred times a day and laments, "Mais non! Ees no good!" as lackeys scatter and models smoke. But today, he explains the couture industry to them, and once again we are met with English subtitles of English speech, this time because his Fronch accent is so strong they had to add in some patronizing notes for the hometown crowd. And here is what he says: "Couture is not only showing clothes, it's showing an attitude, an allure. You will see the clothes, you will try the clothes, and you will understand." Why will they understand? Will the clothes also be translated from English to English?

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America's Next Top Model

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