America's Next Top Model
The Girls Who Get Really Naked

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Further Teachings From The Book Of Robin

1. The Saint
2. The Island Of Dr. Moreau
3. At First Sight (I'm guessing. I didn't see it.)
4. Tie: Willow and Batman Forever
5. Everything else that isn't Real Genius

    And, everyone's mad. Elyse insists for some reason that she doesn't think it's wise for them to break off into two groups, so she says that they should compromise. They'll go with Adrianne to Jim Morrison's grave and then she'll go shopping with them. Makes sense, yes? Robin: "I wanna go shopping. I said I want to go shopping." Elyse doesn't understand why Robin won't compromise at all, and Adrianne storms out as Robin shouts, "I don't go see graves. Just like you don't believe in God, I don't go see graves. I don't try to make you believe in God, do I?" Oh, it's genius! Elyse runs away in tears and sits downstairs (WHERE?) with Adrianne, saying that she's crying because she was frustrated. Back upstairs, Robin tells her Bible, "It's four people with four different things they want to do. We'll have to compromise into two groups." Well, that's not really "compromise," per se, but I don't totally understand why they weren't just going to go off in two groups to begin with. Adrianne shares with us in a confessional that she "doesn't seem very Christlike to me. In fact, I think she worships the devil." She continues this exegesis by telling Elyse, "All this stuff she's pretending to be. If there really is this big, wonderful man in the sky, he's gonna whoop her ass when she gets up there." Elyse shakes her head sadly and puts too fine a point on it, noting, "I was trying to keep it from becoming the two of them versus you and me. But that's it." Yeah, if those two groups break up into separate factions, it could be really...exactly what's already happened.

    Man, it really was just one split-screen away from being the perfect sequence. Adrianne and Robin take off in one direction and Robin and Shannon in another. Because of the good Christian agenda that rewards cramming one simple idea down our throats over and over again (I wanna go shopping I wanna go shopping I wanna go shopping Iraq has the capacity to attack I wanna go shopping) until it gains veracity in the frightened, cowed, undereducated half of the population, Robin and Shannon take off onto the streets of Paris. Adrianne tells us in a confessional that she knew Elyse didn't want to go to Jim Morrison's grave either, but that Elyse sacrificed for her. They wander aimlessly through a cemetery and opt instead for taking wacky Photomat pictures of themselves while cackling montage-ily. Meanwhile, punished by the editing for their godlessness, it's raining where Robin and Shannon are. Raining frogs and locusts. Better not have a first-born on your shopping spree, ladies, because no one knows better than you how soon he shall be slain. "Adrianne and I did our thing," Elyse explains, "and Robin and Shannon went to The Gap." Heh. No snark necessary from me THIS week, I guess. "In retrospect, I don't know why I wanted the four of us to stay together at all." Robin and Shannon, meanwhile, can't find their way back to the hotel, and a confessional finds Shannon telling us, "Some things Robin does might get on my nerves after a little while," and we cut back to find Robin walking about ten paces in front of Shannon, calling behind her, "C'mon, Shannon, you gonna have to walk faster." Guess she upgraded from her 56K modem. Which is strange, because everything she says sounds like a lot of dial-up static to me.

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    America's Next Top Model

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