America's Next Top Model
The Girls Who Get Really Naked

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Djb: A | Grade It Now!
Further Teachings From The Book Of Robin

Elyse hates God and reminds us on the limo ride over, via a confessional, "We've been living in really close quarters in our model apartment, and every single girl is fantasizing about spending a night away from there." Shannon flashes her big, toothy, one-watt-over- whatever-wattage- is-considered-pleasant- as-perceived-by- the-human-eye smile and sings a song that goes, "Are you excited/ Are you excited/ Yay yay yay yay yay/ I'm so excited." Ordinarily, I would be impressed with anyone who writes a whole new song all by themselves, but I actually think she's just singing The Pointer Sisters' song the way it was censored for Southern radio all the times she's ever heard it, like how "I Want Your Sex" became "I Want Your Love" and "Short Dick Man" became "Short Short Man" and "The Alabama Song" ended with the up-with-Prohibition refrain, "Show me the way/ To the next whiskey bar/ So we can give tithe/ So we can give tithe/ For when we shall find/ The next whiskey bar/ We'll explain eternal hellfire/ And maybe hand out some flyers/ We must have temperance/ Or we'll yell, 'Fie!'" Thanks, Clear Channel!

Banter in the limo about the pronunciation of "Fouquet's" (by Price is Right rules, no one guessed closest without going over, so I guess we've learned that there are no winners here) leads them into a lavish eatery, where they are met by four gentlemen who comprise a somewhat lacking Society of Paris. They're suited up like a junior high school Model Congress meeting is about to break out, and they each kiss the girls on the cheek because that's what society men do. One of them is named Adrian, and I'd like to submit that we just call him Gaydrian and get it over with. I know he's also European, but...come on. They all sit around a table and eat oysters and other Fear Factor-y looking food. Robin shares with her male-pattern-balding date, "It's different." Adrianne tells us that Robin was being a "bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch," and says that, between Robin's attitude and the Joker-ish smile planted on Shannon's face, she felt like she could "nab this opportunity." Off the limo goes to take them to a ballet. I'm sure the cameras were not allowed into the theater, so they take the oddest shot from the Stock Footage Film Festival of a PBS ballet and paste it in. Back in the car, Adrianne chats up the men and asks them what they think of "American accents," which is a blanket generalization question basically akin to asking someone if they like "food" or "time" or "any kind of porn." Robin sits in stock-still silence, waiting until she's in a confessional to tell us about the "lustful type of men" who were in the limo with her. She sits primly with her bible on her lap, which might as well be the latest copy of Sky Mall, which Robin is ensuring will be the next reading material she comes into contact with.

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America's Next Top Model




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