Mercedes has just about had it with all of the fun Yoanna has with phonics, deciding it's her turn to lunge for the Tyra Mail for a change. She reads it in an excitable vocal tone I would describe as "Lupusissimo," if, indeed, I knew what it all meant at this late date: "It's time to head to Heidi's, Gisele's, and my house." The rest of the girls run around screaming because, as Yoanna confessionalizes, "We're actually going to get to meet Gisele and Heidi Klum." First, for those of who didn't read up on the post-Titantic love life of Leo (and which also means that we have nothing in common), "Gisele" is the model-y fun times first name of supermodel Gisele Bundchen. Heidi Klum rhymes with "log flume." For those of you writing Supermodel! The Musical who needed help getting started. Second of all, let us now take the time to revisit Yoanna's thrilled confessional from moments back: "We're actually going to get to meet Gisele and Heidi Klum." Heh. Suckers.
Someone's connections dropped out between the writing of the Tyra Mail and the woefully anticlimactic payoff. Because instead of going to a "house" in which all three of those grown women live together in some sitcom-esque way where lots of catfights ensue and pillow fights are to follow (I thought it, too. No need to be ashamed), the girls enter IMG, which is where Tyra wants us all to know we'll be getting a contract when we become America's Next Top Model. They're just going to the office that houses these girls' managers. The contestants are not meeting anyone. Does that give me the license to refer to any future correspondence from the executive producer of this show as Lie-ra Mail? Yes. Yes, I think it does.
Kyle "Bit Part" Hagler, one of Tyra's managers, shows up again, always a fount of optimism and good news: "We see a hundred people on a daily basis. Of that hundred people, we only sign approximately two a year." That means that of the approximately 250 workdays a year (365 minus weekends and a combined average of holidays, sick days, parent-teacher conferences, and The Hajj), they offer modeling contracts to two out of every 250,000 people who walk through that door? And on this show, they choose one out of twelve, from an initial application pool of 6000? Who else is on Kyle's "to see" list around that office? The janitors? The Staples guy? Suddenly, I'm not that upset about these girls' odds anymore. So stop crying. Catie? Wherever you are? Whatever you're doing? Whether we're absolutely certain you're crying or not? You are. So stop crying.