America's Next Top Model
The Girls Who Go To Milan

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Fellini Meeny Miney Mo

A montage of Yoanna and Camille having words in the past somehow shoehorns Mercedes into looking like she's been standing nearby a lot, so it makes perfect sense when suddenly she's the United Nations peacekeeping force in the constantly festering war between Yoanna (who for the logical completion of this metaphor we'll call "India") and Camille, who for the logical completion of this metaphor, we'll call "batshit crazy at every turn." Just kidding. We'll call her "Pakistan." And, oh my goodness! Just like those two warring nations, these girls are also often fighting about cashmere! ["Oh, Mullen. How did you get in here?" -- Wing Chun] Cough. Sorry. But Mercedes doesn't want to be in the middle, either (I'm confused about whether she's a diplomat, a multilateral army, or Hans Blix), telling us, "I'm not playing peacemaker, but I want all the arguing and bickering to stop." Well, dear, that's because you're on the show, and we're watching the show. We want petty bickering. And maybe a little casual hair-pulling. And a circular steel cage match in which two enter and Yoanna leaves. Sitting on a couch in the living room of the ZoLoft, Yoanna shares with Mercedes, "I pray for Camille at night." But then God is all, "Well, she looks good on the photo shoots, but she has really got to work on that attitude!" Because that's what everyone says. Mercedes responds (to Yoanna, not to Our Lord And Savior, as might be indicated by the above exchange), "She wants to talk to you. You know that, right? You never know, she could be a good person." Yoanna volleys that she never thought Camille was a bad person, because her recent gleeful iteration of "she's a witch" obviously means something different to Yoanna than it does to us in these more sensitive, post-Salem Trials time. Yoanna adds, "I don't think she's felt the love that she's needed," and Mercedes finishes the thought by Hallmark Network-ing the place up a bit, completing the thought, "Especially by you." Well-spoken but ultimately ineffective. I guess, in the end, deep down inside, we're all just a little Hans Blix, aren't we?

Mercedes has just about had it with all of the fun Yoanna has with phonics, deciding it's her turn to lunge for the Tyra Mail for a change. She reads it in an excitable vocal tone I would describe as "Lupusissimo," if, indeed, I knew what it all meant at this late date: "It's time to head to Heidi's, Gisele's, and my house." The rest of the girls run around screaming because, as Yoanna confessionalizes, "We're actually going to get to meet Gisele and Heidi Klum." First, for those of who didn't read up on the post-Titantic love life of Leo (and which also means that we have nothing in common), "Gisele" is the model-y fun times first name of supermodel Gisele Bundchen. Heidi Klum rhymes with "log flume." For those of you writing Supermodel! The Musical who needed help getting started. Second of all, let us now take the time to revisit Yoanna's thrilled confessional from moments back: "We're actually going to get to meet Gisele and Heidi Klum." Heh. Suckers.

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America's Next Top Model

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