America's Next Top Model
America's Next Top Model

Episode Report Card
Potes: B | 581 USERS: C+
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Send In The Clowns

Hideous Christina the Head Louse is next. And I just need to warn you that I don't know what's going on in this next segment, or how she has hypnotized everyone into thinking that she's beautiful. Nigel tells her, "Make love to the camera." Are we suddenly in the basement of the bike shop? That's so porny and queer. He tells us that he thought Christina was a great addition to the group, and that he thought she was interesting-looking the moment that he saw her. And there are lots of ways that "interesting-looking" can be interpreted, but he actually means it in a good sense. She looks a bit better with all the crazy makeup, but is still hideous and reminiscent of a bodily parasite.

As Tiffany sort of stumbles out, Jay tells her to walk in her heels, not creepy-crawl. And did I mention that Jay has been wearing a ruffled denim kilt this whole time? Tiffany tells us that last time she auditioned, she had an anger problem, but now her life has changed and she knows she has to put her best foot forward. Couldn't she have waited to beat some more bitches down before turning her life around so convincingly? Nigel and Jay try to direct her, and she has problems understanding what they mean. Nolé says she looks like a very ghetto alien. And, despite what I've said about her grandma, I don't think that's very nice. He then all-out laughs at her in a mean way. Sing it with me now: shut up, fattie! Jay tells us that Tiffany has a very sad story, and that he needs to stop sympathizing with her life as opposed to objectively looking at what she does on set. Um, isn't that kind of how she got there in the first place? Tiffany says that she thinks she did pretty well for her first shoot, even though Jay and Nolé were laughing at her as if she were pathetic.

The shoot is over, and Jay delivers Tyra Mail: "Now that you've taken your very first shot, it's time to celebrate at L.A.'s finest spot. So enjoy the night and all that you see and take a ride into pure luxury." The girls get into their van, and drive into a neighborhood full of abandoned buildings and ambulances. They are puzzled and disturbed. Brandy notes that the Tyra Mail said they'd ride into luxury, and not poverty. They pull in front of a sketchy-looking warehouse, and someone notes that they are in the ghetto. Tiffany thinks that it if only a government cheese truck were parked outside, it would look like home. Just then, a gang of bikers starts walking toward the girls. One of them looks exactly like Professor Snape from the Harry Potter movies. They have a big German Shepard with them. It's time for a maulin'! Brandy says that her heart dropped, and that she thought, "This is bad." Come on, girls, show 'em how funky and strong is your fight! Commercials.

America's Next Top Model

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