America's Next Top Model
The Girls Who Hate Their Makeovers

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Send In The Clowns

Previously: Thousands of women applied, and all we got were these fugly final fourteen? They include Brita, a hardworking waitress trying to take down her younger competitors; Brandy, whose best friend Grimace applied as a plus-sized contender but was rejected; Manly Michelle, who fiercely works both male and female sex organs; and Tiffany, who gives the editors an excuse to flashback to "That skank ho poured beer on my weave" during every episode. Tonight, the journey of the final fourteen begins.

The opening sequence is a bit different this season. The song has words that include "You wanna be on top?" over and over again. As we see shots of past competitors, captions tell us, "Fierce beauty, fabulous strut, fresh personality. Who has what it takes to become America's Next Top Model?" Apparently Tyra does, because we get a screen full of her at the end.

It is a lovely, warm-looking day. We see flashes of one-way signs, an "I love NY" handbag, and the Spring Street subway station, from which the fourteen finalists emerge. Brandy's 'fro shines in the sun, and Tyra's cousins on Jupiter spot a mysterious red flash. Brandy says that she's made it, which is totally tripping her out. She doesn't plan on leaving. Right now I'd have to say that she's channeling a scary clown. Kahlen says she never thought she'd make it this far, and that she's not used to being one of the beautiful girls. And given some of her colleagues in this competition, I'd have to say that I think the key to self-confidence is low expectations.

Jay Manuel, wearing a black "I heart NY" t-shirt, greets the girls. He is more orange, and his hair more yellow, than ever. He's like a Mark Rothko painting, but with a face that you'd like to slap. He tells the girls to forget about the subway and forget about Broadway because...and then in lieu of words he rips off his t-shirt to expose another that reads, "I heart LA." Man, do I hate him. Captions tell us that we are at Paramount Studios' New York City Backlot. And it kind of makes sense that this fake-ass show, which produces fake-ass models, would set itself up in a fake-ass New York. So, bravo, show, for being so self-referential! The girls will be living in Los Angeles this season instead of New York which, they think, is alternately surprising and fun. Jay takes the girls on a tour of the backlot. Sarah, who looks really pretty with her hair pulled back, says that being at Paramount Studios makes her feel like a movie star.

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America's Next Top Model

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