America's Next Top Model
The Girls Who Hate Their Makeovers

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Send In The Clowns

And where once there was a highly amusing tip of the week, now there is just Fucking Pigford. She's doing another shot for Cover Girl, this time for mascara. We get one "AIEEEEEEEEEEEE!" I know the first step to recovery is admitting that I am powerless over Cover Girl's choices, but I still want my Tip of the Week. Screw you, Pigford!

When we return, the girls receive Tyra Mail telling them that judging is imminent. Keenyah -- whose hair is suddenly swept to the side in a really unflattering manner -- interviews that she thinks it will come down to her and Brandy in the elimination. Brandy is crying on the couch and praying for a miracle. Tiffany tells her that she needs to change her attitude, because her attitude stinks. Tiffany says that Brandy needs to lose the anger. I say that Top Model needs to lose Brandy.

And then....oh my Jesus. We get the traditional "photo of Tyra in the style of the week's shoot" as we enter the judging panel. But this is no ordinary photo. This is a photo of a bald, alien Tyra on the shores of planet Zecron 5-649. How nice that she felt fine to share one of those photos that her mom took of her in the back yard! Seriously, though: scariest photo ever. I have it on pause right now and am completely terrified that she is going to jump out of the screen, suck out my human life force via my navel, and ARURGHGHHHHHHHHHHHHGHHGHGHHG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HELLO FELLOW EARTHLINGS, HERE I AM, YES ME POTES, CONTINUING YOUR WEEKLY RECAP, JUST LIKE I DO EVERY WEEK. HA HA I LOVE TEH SNARK. AND NOW IT IS TIME TO REMIND YOU THAT TYRA BANKS IS THE GREATEST SUPERMODEL IN THE UNIVERSE. SO PRETTY AND HUMANOID AND OPRAH-LIKE SHE IS! HOW HAS SHE STAYED ON TOP ALL THESE YEARS AND NEVER GAINED A SINGLE POUND, I WONDER, WHILE EATING GENEROUS PORTIONS OF GREEN SLIME AND BRAINS DAILY?? HAHA. YOU GO, GIRL.!!!! P.S. NAOMI CAMPBELL SUX!!!

And...hooo, an odd amount of time seems to have passed, and the scent of cupcakes is wafting up from my torso. Strange. Anyway, we are at panel. Tyra welcomes the girls, and notes that they have amazing prizes, including a contract with Ford Models, a spread in Elle Magazine, and a $100,000 contract with Cover Girl. She introduces the judges: Janice Dickinson, "one of the world's first supermodels"; world-renowned and noted fashion photographer Nigel Barker; and waste of human space Nolé Marin. They evaluate the girls on their alien photos.

Naima is first. The judges love her photo, and Janice says she really pulled it off. Next is Noelle, who is curly-haired again. Tyra asks why she messed with the blow-out, and Noelle says that she wanted to see how it looked curly. The judges do not like this answer, but they do like her picture. They also like Christina and her scary eyes, for reasons unknown. Tyra commends Michelle on taking the pain of her makeover. Tyra recounts a story of painful extensions from her own past, which causes Janice to give a snarky, "Boo hoo," and puff her lips out. Tyra says that being a model is about pushing through the pain. In her photo, Michelle's body looks great but she didn't nail the face. Because she has the face of a man. Nigel commends Tatiana on the number of moves that she pulled out, and she is pleased. Tyra calls up Brita, and Janice yells, "What kind of name is Frita?" Didn't she meet all these girls before? But still, funny. Nolé hates Brita and says she looks worried and old in the picture. I'm sorry, but no way was that her best picture. Janice says that Brita is hot in person, but that the photo is barely a 1. They love Sarah's shot. Nigel says that Kahlen's photo is great, but that she's not rocking in person. Her hair does look a mess, and Janice says, "Very Partridge Family." Nolé says that Brittany looks like a panther crawling up a car in her photo, and Nigel says the only problem is that she tended to make every shot too sexy, and that she needs to be a bit more elegant.

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America's Next Top Model

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