America's Next Top Model
The Girls Who Hate Their Makeovers

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Send In The Clowns

Backstage, Nolé calls Brita "Miss Blondie" and says that they have to watch out for her body, because it's a little thick. And from a man who looks like Violet Beauregarde after she chewed the gum in Wonka's factory, I think that's a bit unfair. She's outfitted in a really short skirt, and has to sit on the ground with her legs up on the police car. She tells us that she's wearing sheer underwear, and can't get comfortable because she's worried that her private bits will be exposed. Nigel tells her that she needs to think about how to make the shot work, and not about hiding herself. He then tells us that she needs to learn to relax. Nolé says that Brita looks like a side of beef. Those are mighty strong words coming from the whole fucking cow. Jay says that it's just padding, and Nolé says, "Whatever." Shut up, fattie.

Hideous Christina the Head Louse is next. And I just need to warn you that I don't know what's going on in this next segment, or how she has hypnotized everyone into thinking that she's beautiful. Nigel tells her, "Make love to the camera." Are we suddenly in the basement of the bike shop? That's so porny and queer. He tells us that he thought Christina was a great addition to the group, and that he thought she was interesting-looking the moment that he saw her. And there are lots of ways that "interesting-looking" can be interpreted, but he actually means it in a good sense. She looks a bit better with all the crazy makeup, but is still hideous and reminiscent of a bodily parasite.

As Tiffany sort of stumbles out, Jay tells her to walk in her heels, not creepy-crawl. And did I mention that Jay has been wearing a ruffled denim kilt this whole time? Tiffany tells us that last time she auditioned, she had an anger problem, but now her life has changed and she knows she has to put her best foot forward. Couldn't she have waited to beat some more bitches down before turning her life around so convincingly? Nigel and Jay try to direct her, and she has problems understanding what they mean. Nolé says she looks like a very ghetto alien. And, despite what I've said about her grandma, I don't think that's very nice. He then all-out laughs at her in a mean way. Sing it with me now: shut up, fattie! Jay tells us that Tiffany has a very sad story, and that he needs to stop sympathizing with her life as opposed to objectively looking at what she does on set. Um, isn't that kind of how she got there in the first place? Tiffany says that she thinks she did pretty well for her first shoot, even though Jay and Nolé were laughing at her as if she were pathetic.

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America's Next Top Model




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