America's Next Top Model
The Girls Who Hate Their Makeovers

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Send In The Clowns

The shoot is over, and Jay delivers Tyra Mail: "Now that you've taken your very first shot, it's time to celebrate at L.A.'s finest spot. So enjoy the night and all that you see and take a ride into pure luxury." The girls get into their van, and drive into a neighborhood full of abandoned buildings and ambulances. They are puzzled and disturbed. Brandy notes that the Tyra Mail said they'd ride into luxury, and not poverty. They pull in front of a sketchy-looking warehouse, and someone notes that they are in the ghetto. Tiffany thinks that it if only a government cheese truck were parked outside, it would look like home. Just then, a gang of bikers starts walking toward the girls. One of them looks exactly like Professor Snape from the Harry Potter movies. They have a big German Shepard with them. It's time for a maulin'! Brandy says that her heart dropped, and that she thought, "This is bad." Come on, girls, show 'em how funky and strong is your fight! Commercials.

When we return, the girls continue to look at the oncoming posse with a mixture of mild terror and "what the fuck?" Noelle tells us that a figure came into the picture. Perhaps it is the ghost of Janice Dickinson's old face! A scrawny guy with dreadlocks says, "Hey girls, looking good!" Apparently it is actually the ghost of Rob Zombie. Also, that is the dweebiest-sounding biker I've ever seen. Or heard, as the case may be. He invites the girls into the warehouse, which turns out to be the showroom for Serious Clothing. The girls scream. The editors actually have to caption the scene because the screaming is so loud. The girls run to the racks of clothes, which might best be described as "ho style." It turns out that the biker gang people are designers. And to think I was so terrified for the safety of the girls, what with Tiffany being reformed and all! Rob Zombie tells the girls that the best part of the warehouse remains to be seen. He opens a door, which leads to their new pimped-out abode. And now I am terrified for the safety of the bikers. The girls scream and run, run and scream. As they do so, I notice that Brittany is wearing a racerback tank top over a bra. The walls of the pad have various quotes on them from earlier seasons. Keenyah correctly points out a quote from Season 1's Ebony, and Lluvy points out a Camille quote. Everyone loves the place. Kahlen is pleasantly surprised, since she expected to have to room in bunk beds at a camp. If it were Camp Crystal Lake, I would be all for that.

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America's Next Top Model

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