America's Next Top Model
The Girls Who Hate Their Makeovers

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Send In The Clowns

The girls choose rooms without much ado. Brittany likes the Modelwood room. Naima enjoys the Bel-Air and East L.A. rooms. Tiffany tells us that at home, she, her fiancé, and her son all sleep together on a twin-sized mattress. She then clarifies that they have three twin-sized mattresses all pushed together. I'm sorry, but that's kind of the same thing as a king-sized bed. Next thing you know she'll be like, "Actually, it's government brie." Tiffany and Michelle cuddle together in bed (face-down so as to conceal Michelle's member).

And then who should come in but Tyra. Her weave is less gigantic, and kind of feathered around her face. She welcomes the girls to L.A. In an interview, Tiffany says, "Tyra's beautiful. I mean, she's breathtaking. I don't like to blow my own horn, but she kind of reminds me of me." Just...wow. Tyra explains to the girls why they are in L.A. instead of fashion capital of the world New York. None of it is the truth, but what can I say. She tells them that she wanted to show them a different side of the fashion world, and that she got her start in L.A. when her mom took pictures of her in their back yard. So Tyra's mom is going to photograph all the girls in her back yard? That's the secret to becoming a top model? I wish I had taken a trip out there as a youth. We see photos of a teenaged Tyra. She tells the girls that a lot of agencies turned her down when she started out, and that they will face a lot of rejection in the competition. And why not start that cycle of rejection and despair in the place of her birth, which also happens to be the locale of her new talk show. Oops, did I just say that? Noelle says, "I mean, you see Tyra, and you think boobs and lingerie. And she's got a brain. I mean, who woulda thought?" Trust me, Noelle, you don't want to know what else that weave is hiding.

The girls wake up the following morning. Keenyah brushes her teeth and Brandy, pulling at her giant red 'fro, complains that it is in knots. She says, "I think I'm gonna need a broom when I get through." To fly away on? Because I'd endorse that plan. She interviews, "Yesterday, the man messed up my hair teasing it, and I look like a fool right now." As opposed to how svelte and sophisticated she looked before when the giant red 'fro was approximately one millimeter smaller. She tells Keenyah that she looks like a junkie on the street begging for some change. Seriously, has this girl never looked in a mirror before? Keenyah, in an irony-free voice, says that she is much more open than Brandy and doesn't care if they want to shave her head bald. "You've gotta be easy to work with," she says. Foreshadowing jumps into the shot and moons us. Brandy says that she is sick of her raggedy weave. I am sick of her raggedy face.

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America's Next Top Model

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