America's Next Top Model
The Girls Who Hate Their Makeovers

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As a few of the girls work out on stationary bikes, Miss J. Alexander enters the pad wearing a shirt that reads, "Please don't feed the models." Tiffany interviews that she loves J. Me too! We get a short clip of J. in some of his more memorable runway demonstration outfits. He tells the girls that it's time for "weights and measures," and to find out who's toned, who's considered fat, and who thinks she's fat. At this Brita says, "I'm fat," and looks nervous. She interviews that she's going through an insecure phase because she's gained weight recently. J. touches her bottom and notes that it jiggles a bit. We see the stats of some of the girls: Kahlen is 5'8" and 114 pounds. Jay tells Keenyah that she's shaped like a boy minus the breasts. Michelle has some junk in the trunk, and Tiffany pinches her buns. J. knocks Christina in the head with the height measure before noting that she's 5'10" and 118 pounds (and 8 of those are in head lice alone). Brandy is 5'8" and 122 pounds. Lluvy is 5'8" and 123 pounds. Noelle is 5'7" and 124 pounds. Rebecca is 5'10" and 116 pounds. Tatiana is 5'7" and 123 pounds. Tiffany is 5'10 and 116 pounds. and Brita is 5'8.5" and 138 pounds. D'oh! Brita says she's gained weight because she's been sick, which Miss J. doesn't buy. Brita assures J. that, by the end of the process, she will lose the weight. Rebecca interviews that Brita is just a bit bigger than the rest of the girls, and that she hopes that the weigh-in didn't make Brita self-conscious, because Brita is beautiful. And I never expected this, but I'm kind of feeling Rebecca. But not literally, because she would lacerate me with her hipbones.

Tyra Mail! Naima reads: "Who will get cut? Find out tomorrow. Be ready at 9:00 AM." The girls are morose because the first cut is imminent. Well, all except Michelle, who says that somebody has to get cut, because it's a competition. Sad looks all around. Fade to commercials.

When we return, everyone is nervous about the impending cut. The girls enter a building, where they are faced with Tyra and the Jays, who are all smiles. Tyra says that they received the Tyra Mail asking who was going to get cut. "And where are we today?" she asks. "THE SALON!" the girls shout. OH HA HA, TYRA! YOU ARE PUNNY, TOO! It is makeover day at the Prive Salon! Tyra introduces the makeover team. It includes overall look coordinator Guy, who is the spitting image of Fievel Mousekewitz; nail stylist Carmen (Sandiego!); and makeup artist...Japanese lady whose name I couldn't understand. We'll just call her Yoko for now. Tyra goes through the girls and tells them what their makeovers will entail. Sarah will get a "Peter Pan-inspired" haircut. Ouch. Tyra says that Michelle has a very ethereal look, so they're going to make her ice-blonde. Is "ethereal" a new euphemism for XXY? Noelle is going to get blown-out and made "fierce." Tatiana is going darker, à la Paulina Porizkova. Tiffany is going to get long extensions to go with her "big-ass, crazy personality." Kahlen's going to get a blunt weave, à la Carmen Kass. Brittany is going to go a bit shorter with heavier bangs. Tyra tells Christina that she looks like the girls on the cover of Vogue right now, which elicits some looks from the other competitors. They're going to give her deeper, fuller hair. Rebecca is going to get thick, long and luscious extensions. Brita is going to get tight Princess Bride curls. Tyra says that Lluvy reminds her of a new type of Shelley Duvall, and so is going red. She makes hand motions when she says "Shelley Duvall" that would lead you to think that Shelley Duvall is the most exquisite creature alive and not Jack Nicholson's crazy-looking wife from The Shining. Also, did Shelley Duvall ever even have red hair? Keenya is going to get an old, Vidal-Sassoon style asymmetrical cut. Naima is going to go honey blonde.

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America's Next Top Model

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