This week starts out with a lesson in chemistry, which is accompanied by Tyra and Rob coming clean about their relationship. I know the wondering has been keeping you up at night for the past nine months. As it happens, they are definitively NOT banging, which seems like a waste of so much pretty. In any case, the contestants go through a quick exercise and practice the three steps of photo chemistry: 1) fresh breath; 2) tension; 3) inhalation. They have to pair up and look like they are boning while not actually boning. Phil really wants to be paired with Jiana, with whom he may be having shenanigans when he's not busy talking about the girlfriend who saved him from homelessness. Tyra does not oblige him and he is instead paired with Alexandra, who finds him repulsive.
Things move quickly to the week's photo shoot, which has a theme of "sexy fierce" that actually means "fetish." This season is all about the kink! Rob and Victoria's Secret model Alessandra Ambrosio are in the photos as well, which sexes up the proceedings even further. In his photo with Chlea and Alessandra, things get "too real" for Marvin, which I'm assuming means: boner. When does he NOT have one, though? Jeremy and Phil have to lap up milk like cats while Alessandra wields a whip over them. Don has a hard time in an elevator shot with Alexandra, because he's intimidated by the sweet nectar of perfection that is Rob Evans. Mike has a hard time being sexy and just sort of sits like a lunk for a while, but then something clicks and he actually makes a few quasi-expressions. Victory!
We then are treated to Ty-overs! There are a few surprises. Kanani gets a pixie cut and Kelly and Johnny both call it their favorite transformation. Chris and Don both go blonde, and Don moves from thinking that he looks like a little baby chicken to recognizing the dopeness of his new look. Cory gets his hair all shaved off cue-ball style, and gets REALLY upset. In fairness, he does look like he's in a children's cancer ward. Nina goes red, while Alexandra goes chocolate brown and Jourdan is turned into a blonde. She has a real complex about people now calling her a dumb blonde. To ease her concerns, I will note that I found her dumb when she was still a brunette.
Chlea gets long locks and also a re-start to her relationship with Kelly. And then there's Phil. He gets a wavy weave, and for a while looks a whole lot like he's in a community theater production of Jesus Christ Superstar. At his best, with the right lighting, he looks like an Avett Brother, which to my mind is a very good thing. A bunch of the men also get waxed all over their bodies, which is amazing and hilarious. To quote Jeremy, "I didn't know the leg had so many sensitive spots."
At panel, social media counts a little bit extra since there was no challenge this week. Mike amazingly does great and is named best of the week. Tyra's scouting skills are vindicated! Don, Chlea, Jeremy and Phil land in the bottom four, and obviously you're not going to get rid of Phil and his Jesus weave OR Jeremy and his intact hymen. Chlea and Don fall in the bottom two, and it turns out that Chlea is not somebody significent enough to retain her position in the competition.
With nary a "previously on," we jump into the third, relentlessly amusing episode of this season of Top Model with the models returning home to find Marvin's best-of-week photo in the house. Marvin loves it, and not only because he's Big Love-ing it up with five Holly Hobby looking bitches. He's got the Tyra Suite this week, and chooses Don to bounce around on the big bed and raid the Guess closet with him. Marvin thinks that a dude is going to win this season for sure, and tells us that the girls are making excuses for why they didn't bring it. Excuses like, "I was so distracted by Marvin talking constantly about how he wants to have sex with me."
Cut to Chlea, who isn't exactly making excuses for her poor performance, but is discussing why Kelly Cutrone hates her fiercely real guts. All Chlea did, she says, is tell Kelly that she maybe comes across as a little bit harsh. Renee, trying to be diplomatic, says that she's trying to take the comment as Kelly might take it -- e.g., in a rude, sassy way. Chlea is like, "WHY would she take offense at my unsolicited (rude, sassy) advice?" We flash back to Kelly ripping Chlea a new one at panel last week, and then see Chlea going off about how long Kelly has been a judge on this show and made bitches cry.
Chlea was just telling it like it is, and keeping it real, and INFORMING Kelly that her delivery is a bit harsh. You know, like a critical friend, with more emphasis on the "critical" and less on the "friend." Being someone significent who hasn't spoken to the mother who kicked her out when she was seventeen, Chlea is not down with anybody trying to control her. Renee tells Chlea to be smart. Chlea declines to take that advice. It's against her nature, really.
And then it's time for a hormone update! Phil, who somehow has a button-down shirt with the shoulders cut out, like Streisand in the Donna Karan-heavy 1990s but sassier, tells us that a lot can happen when girls and guys live together in a house. There's no privacy and girls are walking around half-naked, which means that hormones are active. A night-cam catches Phil getting cozy with Jiana while she's in her bunk bed. He's standing and she's laying, but their faces are awfully close to one another. Jiana tells us that something in the house is likely to happen soon, and she thinks that Phil might have a bit of a crush on her.
Marvin, of course, wants to bone anything that moves, and he and Don try to no avail to get two ladies to come share in the Tyra Suite with them. Cory serves as the voice of reason, telling us that he can't deal with the hetero-normative high school vibe that's happening. We are reminded that Cory has been challenged to up his masculinity in photos, and he says he's concerned about going home. To which I say he's way too delightful not to keep around for a time, despite certain makeover-related events that occur this episode.